Boho Photography

new home*

2010-11-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have moved!

I just realized that those of you that read this blog via google readers or bloglines, that you may not know that if you go directly to this blog, it will redirect you to my new website.

Its my new cozy flowy home and has been up for a month now with brand new posts.

xoxo
boho girl.

something cedar taught me.

2010-10-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

One precious thing that Cedar has been doing for as long as I can remember is closing his eyes when he really wants to feel something. He'll do it when wind hits his face, when he is chewing something delicious, when he is running down a hill or walking with his arms wide open. He'll just close his eyes and smile and take deep breaths. Many times I describe it as him drinking the moment in. It really teaches me to be present in that moment and open up my senses.

Sometimes he'll close his eyes while he is building blocks or trying to fit a straw into a hole or put his train on the track. This is when I feel he is also trying to have another experience. "This is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes open and this is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes closed. Hmmm...its harder with my eyes closed."

Today we were at a pond and collected sticks to throw into it. He would throw one with his eyes open and try the other one with his eyes closed. He invited me to do the same. He seems to love the challenge and also the shift in perspective.

So today it has me thinking about perspective and how we truly have the power to shift ours. Just like the video I shared with you all yesterday on being alone. It really moved me to rethink my definition of loneliness. Especially because lately, I've been really craving a community where I can actually touch the skin of a person rather than type keys to connect. Watching that video inspired me to reflect on those moments in my life that felt most healing and most of them (not all, but most) where when I was alone; journal writing, sitting at the beach, dancing in my loft, busting out paints for the first time in my studio apartment in Berkeley, sitting at a coffee shop or laying on a blanket under a tree. In those moments, I didn't realize a healing was taking place but upon reflection, those were the moments, infused with self nurturing, that gave me courage the next day to keep moving. I was able to connect with myself in a way that felt whole rather than my energy being given out in a hundred different directions.

A shift in perspective.

Lately, my husband has been having a rough time with feeling overwhelmed and overtired in regards to work. We've had a few hard nights of not connecting and saying things we don't mean. Today, after spending time with Cedar and observing him closing his eyes and breathing in, I chose to look at what is going on with my husband in a different way. Rather than try to over analyze him, I chose to look at my reactions and my triggers and realized that so many of them were rooted in fear. Fear that I may lose him in many ways and that the free spirited 5th grade teacher I met years ago preferring writing his book over working, would resent me for the rest of his life for having to support his family at this time. It was me taking it all on as though it was my fault. It was me holding onto guilt for not being able to give energy equally to all of the parts that make me, me...motherhood, wifehood, sister, friend, daughter, writer, blogger, photographer, teacher and projecting it onto him as though he was saying I wasn't enough. It was all my stuff. Isn't it always? It helps so much to self reflect and open up spaces for self nurturing and gentleness. And I know when he has energy, he will do his own self reflecting and self nurturing. So I sent him a love note explaining all of this. Owning my part and promising to truly SEE him and listen and love. I cannot control his feelings but only my reactions to them and this is something I have been aware of for years but its so easy to forget when there are such big emotions whirling around.

So, now I know when he walks through that door tonight, I will see things a bit different. Sort of like closing my eyes and opening them up again.

Here is a photo I took of Cedar and me today...when his eyes were wide open. ; )

for my kindred...

2010-10-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

shifting. perspective. i believe in you.

"lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless,
and lonely is healing if you make it." ~ tanya davis

little red caboose.

2010-10-19T12:14:00.001-07:00

cedar is in love with trains right now. i like to serenade him while he plays. this time he joined in to say hello. MANY times. : )

harmonica groovin'.

2010-10-18T07:18:00.001-07:00

my boys. ; )

new threads*

2010-10-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

My sister Dar was in town this week. She is a crafty goddess. It all comes natural to her (me...well, i have to work at it). When I told her about my circle of dread sisters and their ideas on how to adorn their dreads, she was inspired. Off to the craft store we went and I got to pick out all these pretty colors of embroidery thread. It was like a candy store. I could have taken them all home but I'm not really wanting a rainbow head. ; ) Just splashes of color here and there and a few that really stand out. I tried to get colors that went with the tones of my hair...except one green one. I heart green. My walls will tell you so.

I wanted to share a few pictures of it with you. A few with them up and one with them down, so you can see how they lay.

She took an embroidery needle (they are big) and after pulling the thread through the eye of the needle, she poked it in and out at the root of my dread and then criss-crossed the thread all the way down to where the knots stop (i have loose hair at the ends). Then she knotted it at the bottom but also closed it tight with a small black rubber band. I am curious how long they will stay in. I will have to be gentle when I wash my hair. I was in need of some nourishing girl pamper time. She made me feel like a medieval goddess.

Our time together was full of warmth and laughter. She once taught preschool and elementary, so it is so inspiring to watch her interact with Cedar on the floor. I learned a lot from her and so did he. Within a few days, he was saying new words. I also noticed he is a lot more animated in her presence. He loves to entertain: Throws his arms about while giving a speech, makes as many facial expressions as he can so we will laugh at him, uses objects as microphones to pretend he is on stage talking into them, also uses objects and pretends they are phones and while he chats away, he throws his head back in laughter. Does mommy do that? He must have got it from somewhere. ; )

Darlene was often tackled with hugs and smothered with kisses. I so adore that he is warmly affectionate...with humans, animals and stuffed animals. She shares a bit about her time in our home on her blog here. It means so much to have her here helping with Cedar so I could do things I normally wouldn't. I really desire to be very present with him during our days...especially as he is sponging everything in around him. So, sometimes laundry and cleaning take a back seat until nap time or when daddy comes home. Dar gave me the freedom to work about the house. Also, it was just so wonderful to have company. I've been feeling lonely lately for in person friendship. I know this will be more available to me when we move but right now, it's a bit rough. My cup feels full.

{for the 94 of you that were not chosen by random.org for Keri Jioras's CD, my friend Brooke is having a giveaway on her blog here!}

rockin' a vest*

2010-10-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

The unique, funky, fun and creative owner of Poor Pitiful Pearl sent me a vest made just for Cedar to model it for her shop. She's going to start designing clothes for boys and this was a bit of a test run. Well, I had never tried a vest on Cedar and now I am in LOVE...and he totally dug it too. I encourage you to look at her gorgeous duds. She takes thrift shop finds and pieces them apart to make the most adorable, sexy and fun stuff. Really groovy.

My sister is here this week, so I may be a bit quiet. Today I am coloring my hair with natural dye from Whole Foods and we're going to wrap embroidery thread around some of my dreads. We picked up some really gorgeous colors from a craft store last night. I've been in a bit of a slump with being creative with my hair and a circle of dread sisters in my life have inspired and encouraged me to PLAY.

I will announce the winner of the giveway (below) very soon. Just go to the bottom of that post.

Sending all of you groovy love.

Keri Jioras ~ GIVEaway

2010-10-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

photo of keri by marybeth bonfiglio

I was introduced to Keri's music by my friend Marybeth (who will soon be my real life neighbor in June 2011). Marybeth has often shared with me that Keri's voice is hypnotizing and here on her blog, she goes deeper into Keri as a friend, an artist and an inspiring soul.

Finally, I received a CD in the mail by Keri and I have not stopped listening since. Her voice has been carrying me through my days. So soulful and it makes me ache for the day I can sit with her on a couch and hear about the journey that led her to such soul drenched lyrics.

You can listen to a few of her songs from her debut album White Swan on her Myspace or on CD Baby and iTunes.

We are giving away a CD here on my blog. Just leave a comment on this post(one per person, please) and in a few days, a winner will be chosen over at random.org. I will announce the winner at the bottom of this post. You'll just need to send me an email with your mailing address.

Her music will shift your heart in beautiful ways.

Bio:

Singer Songwriter Keri Jioras’ voice is full bodied, infused with organic soul

melts, ethereal soundscapes and down home realness. She shares with us bittersweet narratives on how we have all loved or have been loved.

White Swan is a breakthrough soundscape of Acoustic soul and Americana. Uniquely she pulls inspiration from a tapestry of blues, future folk and alt-country. Her humble passion and earthy vibrations make it hard to take your eyes and ears off her.

She has just finished recording at Bellcreek Studios working with producer Michael Iris on her first full length album.

For reviews, interviews, and bookings please contact:

Keri Jioras Music Bellingham, WA

206.817.9599

honeykatradio@yahoo.com

www.myspace.com

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WINNER: #77 Gemma who wrote: "Oh how I need some soulful new music! My path is passing through some dry places right now and I don't know where it's leading. Thanks for the tip."

dear gemma, please email me at denise(at)bohophoto(dot)com and send me your mailing address for Keri to send off your yummy CD...congrats. such healing timing for you.

the perfect protest*

2010-10-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

self portrait taken today, canon 50d

This was taken in honor of the insightful and wise and courageous Brene Brown and her "Perfect Protest". I haven't yet read her book The Gifts of Imperfection but it is on my reading list. Although this is such a good time for me to join the fight against perfection. As I get ready to transition into a new journey with my upcoming e-course, my emotions are heightened as all the fears come rushing in and my energy moves towards hushing and releasing those negative voices. I notice whenever I launch into something entirely different on my path, it becomes a very raw time for me and in order for me to keep breathing and being open, perfection needs to take a mighty hike.

Today I am sending love to my curvy, soft body that hasn't consistently exercised in a long while. Sending love to my guilty feelings about being unable to stay consistent with any one way of eating...even if it makes me feel better. Sending love to all of those tender bits and so much more. Perhaps I need to not only embrace imperfection but inconsistency! ; )

Its also a very tender time for me in regards to parenting Cedar, as he too moves through the passionate emotions he feels about the world and people surrounding him. Today I left Java Mama and called my sister, just asking for space to cry and spill as I navigate this extremely imperfect world of teamwork with my son. There was a time, as the youngest of three girls, I felt like I had to have it all together with my sisters. Now, my life journey has made me really honor the parts of my life that feel completely undone and rather than feel weak as I shared with her today, I felt stronger for being bravely honest.

One of the reasons I wanted dreads on my head was to be a reminder to settle into the idea of being imperfect. The letting go of my hair to be any specific way and allowing for the messy bits, the constant shifts and change and unpredictability. Having dreadlocks has helped me to see how beautiful chaos can be.

My fertility journey paralleled that deep life lesson and I am grateful that my dread journey holds that space in my life too.

This perfect protest has helped me to not feel alone.

tagines*

2010-10-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't even know what a tagine was until we walked into a Le Creuset outlet store this past weekend. The assistant manager showed us how to cook with it and I found the cookbook Tagines & Couscous on their shelf. After flipping through a few pages of their mouth watering recipes, we both said SOLD!

On the 40 minute drive home, while Cedar was singing to reggae, Boho Boy and I were talking about our new purchase and what we would fill it up with. I read to him out loud the recipes and it was such a pleasurable experience. Lots of "mmmm's" and deep gasps. We dreamed about making a huge feast for our friends when we live out in the country. Hanging lights and lanterns and fabrics with music...and mouth watering food cooking in colorful tagines.

Later that evening was the first time we cooked together in a long while. I broke open a bottle of Sangria...the only alcohol we had in the house since we don't drink much anymore. At one point he hugged me from behind, kissed me on the neck and told me he wanted to experience more of this passion with food, together. I do too.

I am so in love with the combination of spices in Moroccan dishes: turmeric, cinnamon, cayenne, cumin seeds...mmmmm.

Tonight I made a tagine with carrots and garbanzo beans, onions, garlic, (the spices above) and plain soy yogurt...sprinkled with cilantro, fresh lemon juice and rose water. I served it with buttered bread to relieve our tongues from the gloriously intense spice!

{my gluten free substitute for couscous is quinoa. my favorite breads are Glutino Flax Seed bread and Chebe bread mix}

his affection*

2010-09-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

taken with palm pre phone

This is how he shared his excitement about the thunderstorm we were watching/listening to through the window together this morning.

His affection...oh how when he shares his love my heart soars, it aches, it bursts into song. My love for this boy...oh my love for this boy. Deep deep deep.

a glimpse of our morning...

2010-09-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

cedar, 22 months, canon 50d

{check out his new pointy teeth up top coming in!}

{wearing mama's Om pendant}

He has a new joke. He stands in our bathroom and waves hello and then shuts the door on our face. He thinks it is hilarious and giggles behind the door. He also does it when the bathroom lights are out and we are amazed that the pitch blackness never frightens him. Brave boy.

Do take notice of his ginormous toe. When he was born, the doc said laughing "I hope he'll grow into this toe". Ummm...not yet, doc. ; )

And as always, to keep it real...

Here he is, after mommy took over a hundred photos. He was DONE and let me know it with a wee meltdown by laying down on the floor kicking and screaming and then standing up and speaking his truth. ; )

So I took him to the beach to ease his melty downishness...

"mommy, i want to do THAT when i grow up!"

drinking flowers*

2010-09-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

me at a cafe a few days ago

Listening to Safri Duo ~ Samb Adagio while writing this. Go check it out. You can't help but groove. Soooo awesome. Whenever I see drumming like this, I think of my husband. Someday we'll have a basement where he can play LOUD and to his heart's content. Or do something like the video I linked. Out in a wide open field. ; )

I wanted to share with you guys something amazing that is shifting my well being in a beautiful way these days. I was mentioning to a friend that I was using Rescue Remedy for stress and she suggested I also try Lotus Wei flower elixirs.

Oh. my.

I am hooked.

So far, near me at all times is Inspired Action (which I use when I am about to work on some projects), Pure Energy, when I am feeling lazy and lethargic and Quiet Mind when I want to peace-out or am having trouble sleeping. I really notice a difference and it feels so good in and on my body. Who doesn't love flowers and who wouldn't want to DRINK them in? Mmmmm...nature is truly our best medicine.

Katie, the Founder and Formulator is such a radiant being and she sends the sweetest notes along with her elixir-gems. I am saving up to try every single one. If you decide to try them out, do let me know what you think.

dance*

2010-09-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

portrait session, 2009

Yesterday, Cedar had a very late nap, which meant he would go to bed later than usual. So, we took him to the beach to run out the energy in his bones.

It was dark but moonlit. Stars were twinkling brighter than usual. The horizon was a midnight blue dipped in plum. There were only a few others on the beach as well...far enough away to where you could hardly see them. Silhouettes from a distance. I stayed back as my boys walked into the shallow water. Cedar was up top Boho Boy's shoulders. He walked out until his calves were soaked under. Cedar's voice echoed with each wave.

I wanted to walk the shores or to run but they were too far for them to hear me. The waves were crashing loud. I knew if I left, he would wonder where I had gone and it was dark enough to feel lost from one another.

So I took a deep breath and decided to stand still, be present in the moment, tilting my face up to the midnight sky. But I still had to move. So I danced. I really danced. I had no idea if people could see me from a distance...those silhouettes, dipping their toes into the water, hand in hand. I decided not to care. I twirled a bit, threw my hands out, swayed from side to side. Even got a bit groovy. I had my own rhythm in my head. It felt freeing. Being in, REALLY in Mother Nature releases your inhibitions, doesn't it? There is a sense of home and belonging. We are meant to be there. Ocean, sand, moon, stars, dance. It all makes sense.

Then I imagined what it would be like to walk around seeing more people dance in the moonlight. The thought made me tear up. What a beautiful sight that would be. Perhaps someone who reads this will do it tonight. I hope.

guest post by marianne elliott*

2010-09-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

marianne & me, taken by susannah conway {2007}

The last few days I have been able to rise in the morning earlier than Cedar and rather than wake up my bones with a steamy cup of yerba mate, I went to youtube to find a 30 minute yoga series. My body has been yearning for it. Oh I have missed it so and subconsciously, I have created every excuse possible to not practice. One of them being that all the classes and teachers around town that I love are at times when I am with Cedar. Stretching my body, doing sun salutations with the morning misty air tickling my skin and my husband quietly busying himself about getting ready for work, felt like a healing balm, like home. It also felt sweet to see my husband excited for me while kissing me goodbye. He knows how much my soul needs this.

When I shared this with my dear friend in New Zealand, Marianne Elliott, she gently, humbly encouraged me to try her ecourse and I couldn't believe how perfect the timing was. 30 days of Yoga with one of the most inspiring and amazing women I have ever met in my life. It felt more intimate for me to be guided by a friend that has walked with me on my life journey. So, in October, I will be doing it! I would love if you would join me for more than just your body, mind and soul...there are deeper, more meaningful reasons Marianne is leading this course. Read on to find out...

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Karma, Yoga and the Kindness Revolution

Like my dear friend Denise, I have a lot of capacity to feel the suffering of other people. I’m guessing many of you share this trait. It can be hard, to feel so much. But I’ve learned that the pain I feel when I see suffering can be a catalyst for me to take action for positive change.

And it doesn’t have to be hard work, this action for change. We can bring about change in ways that use our unique mix of strengths, passions and resources. In fact, we do our best work when we are following our enthusiasm and our joy. So why not do our best work for good?

That’s why I’m taking what I do best (teaching the yoga of kindness) and using it to change the part of the world that is within my reach.

My 30 days of yoga courses are a gentle path to a more compassionate relationship with your own body and spirit, and they are sparking a kindness revolution. This October, I’m taking the revolution even further.

30 Days of Yoga: the Karma edition

Every dollar spent on the October session of my 30 days of yoga course will be donated to support projects addressing the HIV/AIDS crisis in South Africa. (NB: The money will be donated via the Engage Network, the parent organization and 501(c)(3) for Off the Mat, Into the World. For more information on how the money will be distributed and spent, please read on here.

But the donations are not the only way in which the Karma edition differs from previous 30 days of yoga. I’m going to have a very special offer on the price for this session. The offer is designed to give everyone a chance to take part, no matter what their resources, and at the same time, it will allow you to be as generous as you can to the great cause we are supporting.

Registrations are open now, and they will remain open until 3 October. So if you think you could benefit from some ‘kind yoga’ in your own home, then sign up now and please – be as generous as you are able.

Why am I doing this?

In some ways it doesn’t make sense. I’ve invested so much time and money setting up my course. I’ve finally covered all my expenses and could start making some money from it. So why decide to give it all away?

It’s because I now know why 30 days of yoga was born. I never planned this course. It created itself out of a random invitation I made on my blog one day, calling on people to join me in a 30 day yoga commitment. I have sometimes wondered what it was all about. Where did it come from? How did it fit into my purpose?

Part of my purpose is to spread the revolution of kindness, to free people from the tyranny of fear and self doubt and help them find the courage to become a force for good in the world. 30 days of yoga has become a big part of how I do that. I teach the transformative yoga of self-kindness, and it really does help set people free.

But free to do what? I hope it sets people free to serve others, to live a life of courageous compassion, to create positive change.

Which is where the Karma edition of the 30 days comes in. This is an opportunity for you to deepen your own yoga practice, your practice of self-care, at the same time as you help create positive change in the world. It’s the coming together of two incredibly important parts of my life and I really, really hope you’ll be part of it.

And if yoga isn’t your thing – or if now isn’t the right time for you to begin the 30 days of yoga – you can still support the projects I’m raising money for by making a donation (more information about how to do that here.

Testimonial:
“I’ve been yoga-phobic my entire life. Marianne Elliott changed that (and my life in the process). Her 30 Days of Yoga is amazing. She’s one of the best teachers I’ve ever experienced (and I’ve been a teacher for many years). She customizes your class to meet your physical and emotional needs while staying totally mindful of your available time. If you want to do something extraordinary for yourself, I can’t think of a better teacher!” – Brene Brown

More information:

For any more questions about the 30 days of yoga, see the 30 days website and check out these FAQs.

For any more questions about the projects we’ll be supporting through the 30 days Karma edition, check out this page.

Marianne Elliott is a change-maker, a human rights advocate, a yoga teacher and a writer. She is the creator of 30 days of yoga: an online course to establish a regular home practice of yoga and to build a kinder relationship with your own body. She is currently writing a memoir about her life as a UN peacekeeper in Afghanistan.

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Love this photo taken of marianne, boho boy and me by susannah during their trip out to the states in 2007:

grandmarmie's jewel.

2010-09-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

cedar's grandmarmie, canon 50d

It warms my heart so...that my marmie has her very own Cedar necklace, made with sincere love by my friend Stacy of Bella Wish. He really has come into this family with a sweet, healing spirit...at just the right time.

I write this as I hear him lightly pounding his starlight turtle in his crib before he falls asleep for his nap. I could tell he needed alone time. I am learning to pick up on his cues. Sometimes we forget that wee ones need their space and solace too. And how he does his soul work is to drum. My friend Jess and I were talking about Cedar's drumming and how the rhythms sound so tribal, coming from deep within his gut. Many times he repeats the same rhythm while he sings something along the lines of "hooya, eye-ya, mee-ya, la la, hooya oy-ya, ma-la ma ma". He does this with his eyes closed and his head moving side to side...and I just envision Cedar in another life before this, dancing around a fire with his people, holding onto a drum and lifting his face to the full moon, surrendering.

Cedar and I are so deeply connected to the moon. We feel her fullness deeply right now. The last few days have been all about surrender. This Bella Wish pendant and jewel hanging on my marmie's neck reminds me of the harvest moon. Grandmarmie carries Cedar's spirit close.

besties.

2010-09-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

Wish I had my Big Camera close for this shot but alas, my Palm Pre phone had to do. Just couldn't miss this moment and had to share.

lion hat from Baby Gap
peace tree tee from Wren Willow
yoga pants from Makrista Baby
crocheted blanket made with love by my Sis

Cedar has been a bit tender the last few days due to his last two sharp teeth up top coming through. So, I have been quiet in this space and trying my best to be fully present and navigate my way through his emotions.

Pretending to be a Lion REALLY took his mind off things. ; )

Be back soon...xoxox

cedar up in the loft.

2010-09-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

We haven't let Cedar climb up the stairs to the loft or explore up there until very recently. The stairs are not the safest, as you can see with the rough tile from Mexico. So now that he seems more confident about climbing, we're granting him his wish that he's had probably since we first brought him home. ; )

I wanted to capture him in a 10 minute span. He went from tortured artist, to singing the teething blues to climbing glee to exploring something sparkly. And this is just 10 minutes. Oh how full my days are when I walk through his world presently.

He's growing up, non? *sigh*

i love mud.

2010-09-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

{this is me, at the end of the day, lounging outside at the hot springs. taken with my phone for my family and friends that were inquiring how i was feeling. i think this photo says it all. especially because i still have mud in my dreads!}

On my birthday, I woke up to a spa packet on the table with a note that said something a long the lines of..."You have given so much to me and Cedar and have lost countless hours of sleep without much alone time. We want you to be pampered."

He sent me away yesterday to Glen Ivy Hot Springs for a day full of treatments (massage, detox wrap, facial, pedicure and an underground body mask & shower). I then went to a hotel and spent the night in a huge bed, sleeping longer than I have in two years, without interruption.

Holy tears. Boho Boy often tells me that he sees and recognizes all the little things I do as a stay at home mother and wife but there was something so beautiful about him planning this for me. It was a testimony to "actions speak louder than words", you know? I really FELT that he got what I was needing and honored me and created this space for me to renew myself...even if it meant that the weekend would be extra hard on him having to manage both work and Cedar, with no help. It was selfless and I do not take that for granted.

So, I love mud now. ; ) There was this area called Club Mud where you walk into a muddy pool and in the middle is a pillar with a huge clump of mud and you smooth it all over your body, step outside, lay out in the sun until it dries and you exfoliate your body with a towel and then stand underneath a tiny cave with a shower in it. I have never done this before. My body loved it.

These particular hot springs were not exactly what my husband imagined for me. It was actually a bit club med-like...with cement and pools everywhere and people drinking and partying and making out. It was definitely a social place to gather and I think I was the only one alone. But there was a moment when I was in the Grotto, which is an underground cave-like place where when you first walk in, someone brushes your body (with your bathing suit on) with a lotion type mask and then you walk into this other dark room where you rub the lotion into your body for 20 minutes. I was surrounded by couples rubbing lotion all over one another getting so totally heated if you know what I mean and there I was sitting by myself. It was then that I had an epiphany. Hey...this moment is all about self love for me. This whole days is. So I closed my eyes and gave my body love...especially those parts that I can often feel disconnected from and I sent those bits energy of acceptance and forgiveness and pure unconditional lovey love.

This ritual was all this weekend needed to be about. A time to reconnect with my spirit, my body...to breathe and listen...to be gentle and quiet and empty the mind. I am so grateful for this gift my husband gave to me.

Today I am home and I feel so renewed. It is wonderful to be back with my boys. I walked in the door to a husband that greeted me with a big romantic kiss and a long hug. He sunk into me and I could tell he missed me as much as I missed him. I spooned Cedar in our bed until he fell asleep for his nap. My nose was nuzzled into his curls all dried and crispy from daddy's breakfast that morning. He smelled like dirt and eggs and I loved it. My senses feel heightened. I feel rested. I have more energy. I even feel a bit more sexy.

I think if we were to go to another hot springs, it would be more the hippy kind. You know...where the pools actually are in the ground and you can be naked or not and it is a quiet space where people aren't talking. Do any of you know of a place like this? I'd like to send my husband there and perhaps go there together one day. We do know of Esalen...but are there others?

free*

2010-09-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, on my birthday, I felt so loved. Seen. Heard. Understood. And you know what? I really needed that. I've been dealing with a few rough things the last few weeks, which has led to some very raw and vulnerable feelings surfacing. Stuff I need to keep a bit private out of respect for others involved.

So yesterday just felt like a huge healing balm. Just so much love from people all over, all day long into the night and I found myself walking softer and breathing deeper and smiling more and lightening up.

Today I woke up to something that rocked me to the core. It amazes me how a day can shift from one to the next. I was faced with some emotional terrain that wasn't easy for me to walk through, yet I did and with support from loved ones, I got through it and will lay my head down tonight feeling more centered and fully in my integrity.

One of my dear friends sent me this today in an email...

When we say no, or when we follow our dreams or true callings - people might be "disappointed" in our choices.

Allowing people their disappointment sets us free.

~ Christine Kane

This pretty much sums up what its all about for me today and I found this so powerful, that I wanted to share it with you. Saying no can be harder for me than people realize. I am a sensitive and empathetic soul, not only about my own emotions but others. Sometimes the lines blur between my feelings and theirs. So there are many more layers to making this step for me.

The people pleaser/nurturer in me is learning how to let go. I allowed others their disappointment and/or disapproval and it truly does set me free.

39 is sublime.

2010-09-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

self portrait, 2007

Today I turn 39. I am excited to be approaching 40...just like I was excited to approach 30. A new layer to my journey. Sinking deeper into who I am. Deeper into being more comfortable in my skin.

I've been tender with emotion the last few days. Sitting with these feelings Stepping into them. Reflecting on my life, the balance between openness and protecting my heart. Meditating on what feels authentic in my bones and what feels forced. I sense a renewal coming. A cleansing of sorts in many areas of my life. I've been thinking about age and what it means to me.

I remember in my late twenties, I was outside of my parent's house and my dad noticed a gray hair on my head. "Geeez...you have a gray hair!" My response was "Really? Where? That's awesome!" I don't necessarily feel that way about gray hairs on my head now. : ) But I do notice that I am not afraid of age but rather intrigued and thrilled. Not sure if that will change but I am reveling in it now.

I took this self portrait while waiting for an appointment with a well know psychic in my area three years ago. This waiting room was so very eclectic. Not too long after this photo was taken, I was told by said psychic that a boy spirit of a baby I had in another life wanted to come back into this life to be with me. I was a Queen, which allowed concubines to breastfeed my children and one of them was left longing for a deeper connection to me, in this life. My life had been easy...many things done for me or to me, without much independence. In this life I wanted to know what suffering felt like. I wanted to feel more, period.

She said other things but these were the two that continue to come into my mind. Here I am three years later with a boy and my whole life I have FELT...everything. Intense suffering has led to intense joy. Not sure what to believe...but what I do know is that her telling me that felt romantic and seems to parallel how my life is unfolding.

{i woke up this morning to a husband singing happy birthday to me, hovering over my pillow lit up by a candle burning, stuck inside a gluten free/vegan raw raspberry cheesecake slice. a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.}

ps. the psychic also said that my husband was a nobleman in our past life and we were in love but not allowed to be together and that is why he searched for me in this life. that's pretty hot. ; )

tea with me.

2010-09-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

me on my veranda in the morning, canon 50d

If you were to come over for tea, what would you have on your mind and heart to share? Connecting to your sweet souls and imaginations always is such good company when feeling a wee lonely.

pinkie ouchie.

2010-09-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

cedar at my sister's farm, canon 50d

This photo has nothing to do with what I am going to write about...but I stumbled across it today and think its so cute. I am adoring Cedar's hair these days...and giggle at the natural part in the middle.

So, I can't type well. This is going slow. Last night I was cutting into a whole onion and I felt the knife go into my left pinkie. Boho Boy was playing on the floor with Cedar in the family room (which is right near the kitchen) and I grabbed my finger, pulled it against my belly...

Me: "Omg! That was bad. REAL bad. I think it was REALLY bad!" as I walked over near him with the look of massive fright on my face, shaking my head.

Boho Boy: "What, what??? What did you do??"

Me: "I cut it bad. Real bad." {Iwas so totally panicking and repeating myself}

Boho Boy: (getting up and hovering over me, trying to pry my hand from my belly with a really calm voice). "Let me see it honey, its okay, let me see it."

Me: "It's getting numb! It feels like its hanging! Its hanging, I know it is!!" I buried my head into his shoulder and lifted my hand up to him and it took forever for him to slowly pry my other hand off of my finger. He takes me over to the sink because of the blood.

Boho Boy: "I need to see it honey." (really calm). "I think you just cut your nail off. Its okay, let me run it under water. It might sting. Its okay."

Me: "Omg, its hanging, isn't it? Is it hanging?!?!?!? Its bad, really bad."

At this point I am standing behind him, resting my back on his back with my left arm wrapped awkwardly around and in front of his chest. I know as the words are coming out of my mouth I am being TOTALLY dramatic and I surprised myself at how I as being this way. All these thoughts are going through my head, like...I can't believe Cedar is seeing me this way (he was standing at the gate in the kitchen talking in his own language, looking worried) and how can my finger feel like its hanging off when its not?

Boho Boy: "I think you just cut your nail off and a bit into your finger. Its going to be okay, babe."

Relief washed over. I was so taken aback at how calm he was the entire time. So chill, not at all reacting to me over reacting. Later we talked about it and he said down deep he was really scared and thought I may have chopped the tip of my finger off but he said he's always been able to keep a calm face and demeanor in panicked situations.

I want to be more like this and I know I will need to be like this with a little boy that loves to climb and jump and explore and gets at least one bruise a day right now. I can just imagine when he is older. How do you practice calm in the midst of panic? I am hoping instinctually, it will kick in for me but I notice when Cedar's been hurt in the past in a bad way, it was always Boho Boy that was the more chill and me that cries and gasps.

Well, now that I think about it, the times he has hurt himself and Boho Boy wasn't around, I was more calm and centered about it. That's interesting.

Okay, my pinkie really hurts to type...even with a pretty green bandaid on it. Goodbye...

soul that came to my heart*

2010-09-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

brave stepping, taken by boho boy with my palm pre

Something I received in the email by a dear friend, about Cedar, that made my heart swell.

he's so beautiful.
and he's yours...
this soul that came to your heart.
that grows in front of you.
every day... something new.
big laughter and smiles.
and tantrums and blow out poops.
curly sweet sweaty hair after a nap
cuddling into mamas boobs.
sitting with his frog legs, pulling books into his lap.
he's amazing...
and he's your baby.

it feels like you've always had him.
like- i don't remember you without him.

bonus photo...love this of my boys:

urban faerie*

2010-09-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

amy seeley, canon 50d

I remember receiving this song from my friend Amy in its raw version via email. We exchanged our thoughts about it. My heart felt hers deeply. It was something different. Something brave. It inspired stepping out and trusting her own voice, not just her unique singing voice but the one deep within.

"I am prone to dream in colors like the shades of the Catalinas...".

I listen to it now in its finished version and I feel goosebumps and teary. I have seen friends with a blank canvas begin to paint their first stroke and build and layer and writing a song is much the same. To see and feel it from the beginning, it creates a connection to that piece. I feel so connected to her song Catalinas.

Her music draws me into layers of myself that store so much emotion: wounds, joys, holding on, letting go, grief, celebration, realization, awareness, secrets, openness, longing, peace. I like sitting with the feelings she evokes. She's like this urban faerie releasing magic through her words, her soul and her voice sounds so other worldly.

If you'd like to hear her new song Catalinas, you can download it for free here.

a post on travel and oneness*

2010-09-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

photo of me by deb schwedhelm

If you'd like to learn about a nugget of my time spent in Romania...read about it on my post over at the beautiful Gypsy Girls Guide blog.

xo

tender father*

2010-09-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are no words to express what I feel for these two. Especially when they're together and I am observing from a distance. I love watching their relationship unfold. Boho Boy is such a tender father. Every time Cedar holds onto his daddy or snuggles into his chest, Boho Boy melts into him with eyes closed and big sighs. My heart flutters each time. I think this photo says so much more than I can put into words.

How did I get so blessed?

{I went on a date with self today to see Eat Pray Love. Javier Bardem reminded me so much of Boho Boy and I love that rather than fantasizing about Javier on the way home, I fantasized about my husband that I get to kiss when I walk in the door. There is just something about big deep eyes, long messy layered hair and scruffy chins that get me good. ; ) }

birth story book*

2010-09-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

us yesterday, taken with phone

The last few days with Cedar have been healing and love soaked. He is feeling better and has decided to put that energy into lots of snuggles and happiness and cracking us up. My mama heart has been cracked wide open these days.

We showed him his birth story book for the first time yesterday. It is filled with mostly photos with captions of the first time we met his birth parents, then the birth and our two week hotel stay post birth...and spending thanksgiving with his birth parents. It was really emotional. He seemed captivated with his birthmom and laid his head on a photo of her to give her love. The next photo was of me feeding him his first bottle in the hospital and he looked over at me and wrapped his arms around me. Both Boho Boy and I got teary. He just seemed so in tune with it all and somehow tapped into knowing I needed that hug. He did it a few times throughout the book...looked over at me and sort of fell onto my chest with his arms wrapped tight. We will show him this book as often as possible. We want him to feel his adoption is a totally natural thing and a sacred part of his journey on this earth. Our adoption consultant has an adopted son much older and growing up, playing house with his friends, she would hear him say "are you adopted like me?" or "this is my baby, he is adopted". This is how I want it to feel for Cedar. Something to celebrate...a gorgeous part of his life where there is no shame but openness to share and excitement to enlighten his friends ideas about how families can be created in so many ways. This is what the book is for and why we will make one each year including photos of him and our birth parent visits.

Wanted to share a few photos we've taken over the last few days.

cedar totally loves the books by this author

cedar gazing into his lion's eyes...before a kiss. ; )

trail walking with mama

trail museum library

giving this coyote love...at a museum

resting on the cool metal at a park

waking up after a nap

snack time*

2010-09-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

cedar, 22 months, belated august break photo #31

I cannot believe he is loving roasted seaweed for a snack. He chewed it all up and begged for more. That rocks.

groovy grooves*

2010-09-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

self portrait today with phone {a photo i took for a dear friend that just got dreads and needed reassurance that bumps and grooves are an everyday part of them}

this is how my life feels right now. a little bumpy and loopy and frayed. this is why my dreadlocks parallel my life in a beautiful, messy way. ; )

i am having a wee bit of computer issues. hence...the lack of posting and spilling. i recorded a long, heart soaked vlog for all of you today and when i replayed it, i sounded like i was sitting in a closet with cotton in my mouth. i think i cried. well, okay i admit, i DID cry because i really wanted you to hear it. so i will try to share again what i felt inspired to share in that moment. it might not look the same but it will be what is supposed to be sent out into the world, i must trust.

i've had two weeks of emotional upheavally days (yes, just made up that word) with sweet, dear cedar...and his deep need to express himself, along with his frustration that he is unable to do it fully with words. so i shared about it in a very raw and vulnerable way on the vlog i recorded this morning while he was napping. it felt so HEALING to get it out there and release. then he woke up and was in such a soft, cuddly, present mood with me. our day was pretty stellar. i took him on a nature walk and there was so much connectedness between us. i honestly believe it was because he could feel my release of worry for him and my trust in the process and his sensitive soul opened up more space for us. when my husband came home tonight, i couldn't stop talking about our wonderful day (because for the last two weeks, he came home to a weepy, exhausted, emotional wife).

i thought i was losing it yesterday. today i felt so centered and present and patient and alive. motherhood is beautiful lumpy bumpy ride, man...with lots and lots of groovy grooves.

i am posting the video anyways, for those of you that have earphones and can turn up your volume loud enough to perhaps gather a few words. ; ) just so i don't feel it was completely for naught.

for erin*

2010-08-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

Cedar singing a ditty for my dear friend Erin in Ireland who is about to bring her baby into this world at any moment. This babe will be a wee little sprite from the land of pixies and faeries and Cedar TOTALLY speaks that language. ; )

staying connected*

2010-08-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

my boys, august break #30

Boho Boy walking.
Boho Baby skipping.

Last night after tucking Cedar into bed, we cuddled on the couch to finish this film. Boho Boy's forearm has been in some pain from being a computer nerd-genius, so I grabbed some lavender oil and massaged it. I realized that it has been a long time since I have nurtured him in this way. Our energies are so poured into our growing-by-the-second toddler, that at the end of the day, we can barely keep our eyes open. It felt so good to be present with one another last night. While rubbing the knots out of his arm, so many thoughts ran through my head: I need to kiss him more, hug him more, stroke his hair, listen more intently...the way I did before Cedar came into our lives. Between us, it has always been the small sentiments that brought us closer and deeper together. Every single one of my friends that have young children are on this same journey of balancing energy towards your child, as well as your relationship. I am so grateful Boho Boy and I are constantly communicating and reassuring, so that it doesn't escalate to those dark and scary waters of losing one another. I am grateful that we are both patient with this process and don't have a lot of expectations right now. Funny how something as simple as an arm massage will bring all of this to surface. We have a romantic date planned soon. A gift from my parents for our anniversary. I am dreaming of finger foods, sangria, cushy couches and funky music.

Would love to hear how you stayed connected to your partner during the early days of parenting...

little inukshuk*

2010-08-29T13:28:00.000-07:00

cedar this morning, august break #29

We enjoy building these together when rocks are around.

beachy night*

2010-08-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

the bohos on the beach at night, taken with palm pre phone, august break #28

After dinner, we decided to take a drive to the beach so Cedar could walk/run/skip/jump off some of his energy. It was really beautiful. A bit foggy and lit up from the gorgeous resort that lined the sand. The playground facing the ocean was a mysterious place for the older kids to be in the dark. Cedar was so totally brave. After the slide and swinging him a bit we walked through the sand to the shore together. Cedar was up top on daddy's shoulders and I lifted up my hemp pants. We walked closer to the shallow waters while the small waves crashed over our feet. In the dark. There is something so sexy about the beach at night. Boho Boy and I were suddenly filled with this childlike joy. Feeling gratefulness that we live in such a beautiful place but also aware of a knowing that we are ready to venture out to different shores soon. I felt like last night we were paying homage to our time here. We could see the cliff in the distance where we stood and made our vows in 2004 on our wedding day. It was such a surreal moment.

We live inland and sometimes we can get so wrapped up into our worlds that we don't take the time to go to the beach. Its only a few freeways away...a 20 minute drive, if that. We talked about visiting the beach after dinner once a week until we move. It shifts things. There is magic in those waters and the moon goddess reflecting her curves in the water. I've been in such a place of longing to create a home elsewhere and I think this is one way to keep me in a space of gratefulness for what surrounds me...even if it doesn't feel like home to me.

I had Boho Boy snap a photo of us to document this moment. First time using the flash on my phone (I never use flash...ever ever). Its not the most fantastic photo of us but I still love it. We need more family photos taken. Perhaps I can get creative with the timer.

I wanted to thank you for your Brave Stories in my previous post. I have been brought to tears and so humbly honored that some of you shared such sacred, private moments with me and my readers. I know it is so very freeing, releasing those moments out into the world and celebrating your bravery.

{not sure if any of you know this but i am supposed to be wearing glasses all the time. i lost them a while ago and got lazy about bringing myself to the eye doctor. i finally found my specs, yet it was still hard to remember putting them on. i suppose i got used to seeing a world that wasn't super sharp and clear. but last night i remembered and boho boy told me a handful of times how sexy i looked so that's all it takes!!!! OKAY. i'll wear them now. *wink*}

brave moment*

2010-08-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

self portrait, canon 50d ~ august break #27

Today I was reminded of a brave moment in my life.

In my mid-twenties, a girlfriend of mine took me to Napa for my birthday. As we were sitting on a blanket in the grass, sipping wine and eating cheese, we noticed a wooden stage in the middle of wide open space of the grass. People were laying and sitting around it, doing much of what her and I were doing. She giggled a bit into her wine glass and wore a mischievous grin. "I dare you to get up on that stage and recite a poem." I sat and thought for a moment. Then, to her surprise, I got up and walked over to the stage, hearing her "oh. my. gosh." behind me.

I stood up on that stage and took a deep breath and shouted "Sonnet 24 by William Shakespeare!!" It got most everyone's attention and the words started pouring out of me...with my arms throwing about and a deeper tone to my voice:

Mine eye hath play'd the painter and hath stell'd
Thy beauty's form in table of my heart;
My body is the frame wherein 'tis held,
And perspective it is the painter's art.
For through the painter must you see his skill,
To find where your true image pictured lies;
Which in my bosom's shop is hanging still,
That hath his windows glazed with thine eyes.
Now see what good turns eyes for eyes have done:
Mine eyes have drawn thy shape, and thine for me
Are windows to my breast, where-through the sun
Delights to peep, to gaze therein on thee;
Yet eyes this cunning want to grace their art;
They draw but what they see, know not the heart.

I know...I know...a wee bit mad, right? I'll never forget that moment. I bowed to the enthusiastic claps, high fives and whispers and I believe I said something along the lines of "Happy Birthday Me!" while stepping off the stage ; ) It made my friends day. In a way, it made my life. Liquid courage, I suppose.

I would love to hear about one of your brave moments...doing something you never thought you would or always wanted and did.

pure self love*

2010-08-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

me & cedar in my sister's mirror, canon 50d ~ august break #26

You can see all the fingerprint and lip marks on the bottom half of the mirror. Those are from Cedar...chatting with himself, kissing himself, smiling at himself. I sat back and watched him in awe. So totally embracing his reflection and not at all tainted with expectations of how he should look or be. Pure self love. As though he was saying..."Hi Me...I love you JUST as you are!"

These are the teachable moments I am so grateful for.

Anne of Green Gables-ish*

2010-08-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

cedar, uncle jj, marmie, daddy & auntie dd, canon 50d ~ august break #25

On my parent's 50th Anniversary, we went for a long walk in my sister's almond orchard. Both Darlene and her husband Jay were walking us through the life of an almond and the process of nurturing and getting them ready for picking. I walked behind all of them the whole time with my Big Camera. It gave me an opportunity to see them together in a line, side by side, stepping in unison...while Cedar ran in and out of their legs and squatted down to pick something up and throw it and then get up again. It felt a bit Anne of Green Gables-ish...and I soaked in every moment, knowing many of us are unable to experience moments like these with our family.

My heart ached to give a life like this to Cedar. To wake up every morning like we did while there last week when everyone was still sleeping and walk through these glorious trees together...just him and me. I had a warm steamy mug in my hand and he pulled his wagon with stuffed animals down lane after lane. The air was still crisp and our pajamas were getting dusty and the birds were serenading us. Oh how I could get used to seeing his glee and connection to mother nature. His cheeks were rosy and he slept deep during his naps and at night.

Boho Boy grew up like this in Canada...around acres of land and a magical faerie forest of all types of trees with a bridge to a river. I know it is interwoven into his soul and he so badly wants this for Cedar. So, we have plans and coming home from this trip our plans will unfold sooner rather than later. Our goal is to move either after the holidays or no later than before summer begins. The Pacific Northwest is calling us and at first we will live either downtown or closer to the city...for a year, to get to know folks, be a bit social and get acquainted with our surroundings. Then we hope to move to the country somewhere, somehow...perhaps be the home where all our family and friends come for nurture, expression and love. With all of this said, I am doing my best to let go of any of these expectations and live in the moment where I am here. To find places and ways for Cedar to roam and express himself and release the pent up energies that toddlers hold inside. Our third floor little loft home in the city is not really conducive to this, so mommy needs to get creative.

So my practice this week is to take deep breaths and be present in the moment and trust.

I was unable to get to yesterday's August Break photo, so here it is: Grandmarmie, Vu Vu & Cedar sitting on the window bench my daddy made for my sister. He does such beautiful work!

august break #24

froggie pack*

2010-08-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

cedar and his new froggie pack from auntie dd, taken with palm pre phone (august break #23)

meeting daddy at our home airport, taken with palm pre phone

My sister got a pass to help me through security at the airport today. I need help because Cedar has suddenly become SO active and isn't a fan of sitting still in wide open spaces. : ) So holding onto him while taking off my shoes, his shoes, my backpack, his backpack and pulling out all the liquids is so totally impossible when he wants to run off. This is why we use the monkey backpack leash. I know people have opinions about it and I can have compassion for their aversion to it but oh my gosh, what would I do without it? He would run off in an instant and I would lose him and be a total mommy wreck. Besides, the idea of a monkey hugging him brings him massive amounts of delight. At this stage, it has saved our lives and sanity, since I travel alone with him a lot. I do wonder if those people that have opinions about these leash backpacks have had a very active toddler that won't let you carry them in slings or packs, hold them, hold your hand or sit in a stroller while in crowded spaces. Bless the hearts of anyone that can handle it better than I can.

So, after Darlene and I got through all the liquid testing and padding down of security, we saw these adorable stuffed animal fuzzy backpack rolly thingies in the window of one of the airport shops. So, of course Auntie DD had to go check them out and Cedar immediately started pulling one of them around the shop. He's all about pulling wagons with stuffed animals inside, so a stuffed animal he can pull was absolute bliss.

He proudly walked around the airport with his new froggie pack and monkey on his back. Everyone laughed and smiled and while getting on the airplane, Cedar kept stopping and pointing to his new froggie pack, showing all the folks in the aisle seats. It was awesome. Thank you, Auntie DD...score!!!

The moment he saw daddy coming towards him when we arrived at our home airport, rather than hug him, he pointed to his new froggie pack to show it off. It was hilarious and so fun to see Boho Boy totally get the excitement about it.

Here is a video of Cedar pretending to talk on the phone on our iPod Touch, while mid-flight home:

wrapped up*

2010-08-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

my sister darlene walking in her orchard, canon 50d ~ august break #22

Just like the almond trees in your orchard wrap you up in comfort and love, you wrap me and Cedar up. We feel so safe, understood and purely loved in your presence.

Buddha Baby*

2010-08-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

cedar, canon 50d ~ august break #21

So many of my friends say that Cedar sits like a Buddha Baby. Yesterday morning at my sister's farm, he climbed up to sit and meditate on the trees. He even sighed. It reminded me to sit still with him and drink it all in.

50th Anniversary.

2010-08-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

50 years, canon 50d ~ august break #20

my marmie & daddy, canon 50d

In 1960 a beautiful red-headed French Canadian woman married a dark and handsome Portuguese man. That is when the story of our family began.

My throat felt a lump when I was taking these photos today. They are still so in love and were acting like giddy young kids all crushed out. I am so inspired. Look at them! Just writing this I feel teary.

This type of love and commitment is so real. Its not easy. It has hills and valleys and bumps and flatness and waves and highs and bliss. Their layers of love runs so deep and my faith in romantic love has always been so solid because of this. No matter how hurt or disillusioned I felt at times in the past, I never gave up on the idea that love like this could last.

I love you marmie and daddy. You are the perfect parents for us. We celebrate your love story today.

50 years!!! Oh my goodness...

invitation into his world*

2010-08-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

airplane ride with marmie doggie, canon 50d ~ august break #19

One of the many things we love about cedar is that he wants others to enjoy what he sees, feels, tastes, hears...and invites them into his world.

2010-08-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

woman in a cafe, canon 50d ~ august break #18

Waiting for my friend in the cafe, I couldn't help but gaze at this older woman. She was so chic and comfy in her skin. Her darling hat and gorgeous scarf and piercing blue eyes had me. A few times her eyes would linger over at me, peering over the top of her cup. They sparkled and smiled. No one met her there. She just sat alone, sometimes people watching, mostly reading. I wondered if this was a place her and her love would meet and now her purse sat where he/she once did. I imagined she has traveled the world, been on safari, lived in Paris. She had that richness about her. It was so tempting to sit in the chair near here and ask a thousand questions. I can see myself in her years from now. I wonder if she saw herself in me.

I thought it would be fun for some of you to make up a story about her life. Who you think she was and the places she went and the people she met...

waiting her arrival*

2010-08-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

waiting, canon 50d ~ august break #17

This past weekend I met my girlfriend who was in town for a morning date at a coffeehouse in Little Italy. One of my absolute favorite streets where I live. I left the house extra early so I could sit in my favorite corner and romantically watch all the passersby. I took so many deep breaths. It has been so, so long since I have communed with a girlfriend like this, without interruption from a sweet babe tugging at my elbow or putting a book in my lap or, well...some of you know what I am saying. Since in conversation, I have always been so present with the other person my whole life, I find it hard to juggle my child and my friend. Jess is the same way, so her and I sat across from one another, arms and hands entangled and sometimes just starred at one another in awe that this was even happening. There were some quiet moments of breathing it all in and together watching people walk by...completely honoring that both of us rarely get alone time too. All of my close friends live far from me, so when I am with them, I soak up every morsel.

I am marinating in the idea of creating more time with my girlfriends like this. Planning trips to be with them, asking them to come to me. I left feeling so completely renewed. Windows down, wind in my dreads and ready to go hold my boys at home.

It was good. So, so good.

funny face.

2010-08-16T13:48:00.001-07:00

Wanted to share with you something I recorded a few minutes ago. He had just woken up from his nap and finished his bottle. He is such a ham with the camera. ; )

jess & her family*

2010-08-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

jess, josh, asher & journey, canon 50d ~ august break #16

josh & jess.

2010-08-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

josh & jessamyn, canon 50d ~ august break #15

Spent some time on the beach with these beauties yesterday.

my Mr. Kroon*

2010-08-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

us on the beach, canon 50d ~ august break #14

Six years ago today, I married you on a cliff, with crashing waves below (and two nuns in their habits that decided to stop, sit and watch amongst our family, friends and passers by).

I remember waking up that morning snuggled up to one of my girlfriends in the loft and my other friend running up to us from the master bedroom downstairs and all of us giggling and them asking if I was nervous. I remember not feeling an ounce of nervousness and I thought that spoke volumes. I was just so certain and all I felt was ready.

You had gotten up really early and went swimming in the ocean with your brother. Then you spent the majority of the morning helping to decorate our wedding site. You knew it was important to me that it was just as we had envisioned. A garden faerie wedding. I heard from everyone that you worked so, so hard and kept everyone laughing. I asked you if you had wished you got a massage or did more swimming or kayaking or playing with your friends. You told me you didn't want to be anywhere else. How many men would do this on their wedding day?

One of the most special moments to me was when after a long, gorgeous, dreamy wedding day, we were in our honeymoon suite by the sea and there I was laying with my white lingerie on the bed and you stood in front of me with your khaki linen pants and your white linen shirt unbuttoned and your eyes filled with tears, telling me I was so beautiful. Tears fell from my eyes because I knew you were not just speaking of my outward beauty. I pulled you down and we held one another and cried a bit and I felt my heart take flight. I didn't know what I did to have a man like you in my life. A man that can be a bit private with his emotions to others, yet from day one, freely allowed me to explore so deep into the layers of who you are.

Today, six years later, we are constantly exploring. Just last night we made sure to talk through some emotional terrain in a way that opened up doors to one another rather than close them. These times create even more space for you and our love in my heart. Spaces I didn't know were there but must have always been reserved just for you.

Happy Anniversary.

I love you, my Mr. Kroon.

mmmm...

2010-08-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

my green smoothie, canon 50d ~ august break #13

Everything tastes better in a wine glass with a colorful straw. ; )

Ingredients:
Vanilla Rice Milk
Water
Frozen Pineapple
Frozen Mango
One orange
Frozen banana
Lots of fresh spinach
Flax seed oil
Dash of agave nectar

tantrum.

2010-08-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

tantrum, august break #12

dearest cedar,
it must be so, so hard and frustrating to not be able to communicate what you so badly want to say to us in words but can't.

we will now and forever love you through all of these growing pains swirling around in your heart, soul & body.

love,
mommy and daddy

one year dreadiversary*

2010-08-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

one year dreadiversary, canon 50d ~ august break #11

look at all the twisties, twirlies and bumpies (and i just noticed that i need more
beads on the other side. i rarely look at the back of my head!)

As of August 1st, my dreadies were one year old.

I took these photos for all of you yesterday...the day after I washed them. The few days following me washing my dreads, they have a lot of fly-aways and are a bit more fuzzy than usual. I thought it is still important that I photograph this part of the process. I always joke with my husband that I look like a wet dog during those few days. ; )

Sitting in that chair with the dread goddess, Stephanie at Akemi Salon feels like yesterday. It was such an emotionally full time for our wee family. The following day after getting my dreads in Portland, we went to visit Cedar's birth parents for the first time since birth. He was 9 months old. Perhaps some of you remember.

I felt so wrapped up on that day. My family and my lovelies sent me off to Portland with wishes and dreams and strength and courage. I was joined at the salon by my dear talented friend Amy Seeley, who sat on the vintage sienna couch near where Stephanie was twisting and knotting and infusing my hair with magic and faerie dust. Here we all are in this photo mid-way through the process...

Don't you just love Cedar's shell-shocked face? Like..."what the heckity heck is my mommy doing with her soft hair?" Later, Amy soothed Cedar with a private concert in her home, playing her piano and singing to us songs from her upcoming album. He was so crushed out. Especially when she let him sit on her lap and pound the piano keys. ; )

This journey has been so dear to my heart. It is obviously not just a hair-do to me and I think most people that go on a dread journey would say that. So much of the process of my hair beginning to dread on its own, paralleled my fertility journey. At first the strands were so tightly wound with expectations and then slowly, very very slowly, they began to unravel and unfurl and let go and loosen. Through it all there were so many fears of how they would turn out and disappointments. Finally I began to see it all clearly as each of them found a home on my head and I came to a place of acceptance and embraced the curves and bumps and fly-aways as part of the whole of what my dreadlocks are. The whole of what and who I am.

Journeys are messy and beautiful and full of being broken and put back together and rediscovering who we are and finding our center through it all.

Since I sat in that chair a dozen or more people connected via my blog or my friends have sat in Stephanie's chair and I received those panic emails after a month or two, just like the phone calls I made to Stephanie. "Are they supposed to look like this? Like a bag lady who hasn't washed her hair in months? What are these bumps? I have so many fly away strands! Are they coming undone?"

In her gentle voice, she would always respond to me..."Oh, they are so perfect, Denise. They are just where they need to be in this very moment." She is the Zen Priestess of Dreadlocks, that woman and totally gets the parallels of dreadlocks and life.

So I have embraced the idea of letting them do their dance. I don't do any maintenance myself. I don't crochet them. I don't put gel or wax on them and because of this, they are a bit wild and free where as those that tend to maintenance them on a daily basis have perfectly tight locks.

I did do maintenance once in Portland when I was there to support a friend...

jess, sara, me and steph at akemi salon after first maintenance appt.

I may go again next year to see Steph. I remember thinking I would want Stephanie to start from the beginning and tighten them up as they were that first day but when I sat down and looked at them in a new light and saw how teary and proud she was, I realized I loved them just as they were and she only did a few touch ups. Since then, I went to two other people, who were lovely women but it just wasn't the same spiritual experience and they ended up being too tight for me. But the photo I showed Stephanie when I sat in her chair that first day was of a woman that had loose, flowy locks with strands of hair free from the knots and very loose curly ends and long un-dreaded bangs. This is how Stephanie wore hers when she had them and she said those are her absolute favorite to create. I remember her response was "Oh you are so my girl!"

I do put smelly goods on them and conditioning sprays for the days where they feel a bit too dry. I wash them once a week, sometimes once every two weeks if I haven't been swimming or at the beach or getting dirty at all. I think because my hair is so thick and there is so much of it, that I am able to go longer without washing than those with thinner hair. My hair has always been like that growing up.

I will say the hardest part of this process for me has been how my scalp has responded. Since my hair is so, so heavy, the weight of the dreads irritate my scalp and has caused some flakeage. I also think I sometimes don't fully wash out my dread shampoo, which can add to the itching. This apparently is very typical and one way to help sooth is rubbing tea tree oil through the scalp or spraying it with peppermint spray.

Here are the products I use:

Knotty Boy Green Tea Conditioning Spray (to keep them soft and smelling fresh)
Knotty Boy Peppermint Cooling Moisture Spray (for itchies and irritated scalp)
Knotty Boy Dread Shampoo (this works better for my head than DreadHead shampoos or Dr. Bronners...but every head is unique).

I haven't yet gotten as creative with my hair as I had dreamed. Perhaps because I have a little toddler boy that holds my attention most of the day. But I would like to spend some time playing with up-do's and headbands and flowers and long strands of fabric/ribbon tied into my hair. I do wear beads all the time but I take them out at night because I can't sleep with them (most people leave them in). My beads come from all over the place online and from friends. If you do a search on Etsy for "dread beads", you will find so many handmade beauties. I also love the wooden flower beads at Knotty Boy. Etsy also has gorgeous hats for dreads if you do a search.

Well, I hope this helps as MANY of you have asked me to write about my dreads for months now and I wanted to wait until my One Year Dreadiversary to celebrate and answer them.

Here is another pic I took with my phone the other day before washing. You can see how they are a bit tighter than the images above.

If I haven't answered all of your questions, do ask in the comments and I will answer in the comment section as well.

Blessings on the journeys of all of you dreadies to be...xoxox

this morning...at this moment...

2010-08-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

sitting at our table this morning, canon 50d ~ august break #10

...I am savoring oatmeal with bits of dried apricot.
Thinking about what to feed my boys tonight with something yummy from this book/website.

What are you doing and where are you writing from?

***************************

On another note, wanted to share a few fun videos from last night:...

Cedar's reaction to hearing Opera for the first time (he had been doing this for awhile but i caught the tail end of it):

Cedar getting lost in the jive (for some reason the sound shuts off at the end but you can still feel the music, if you know what i mean):

local cafe*

2010-08-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

yummy local cafe, canon 50d ~ august break #9

Its amazing how much I can get done in just a few hours when I step away from my home environment. I have realized that I am unable to focus at home when it comes to work. To me, home represents all the things that need to get done around the house and the longing to be with Cedar when he calls up to me at the loft. A cafe represents a swirling of creative energy and intellectual conversations and gazing and dreaming. Cozying up to this brick wall yesterday was so what I needed. So was brainstorming with my dear friend in Ireland who was up late and juiced up with ideas for my site. I felt like she was sitting across from me.

If you could choose anyone to sit across from you at a cafe for a few hours...who would it be? It can be anyone you know or wish you could know.

sweet and soulful wish come true...

2010-08-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

self portrait, canon 50d, august break #8

I adore my dear friend Stacy's work:

"Vintage Inspired Jewelry.
Stamped with sweet and soulful sayings.
Designed to empower, encourage, heal and inspire."
~ stacy de la rosa

This is me wearing my custom made Bella Wish "Cedar" stamped silver pendant. He is our sweet and soulful *wish* come true.

i adorn my neck with his name.
my son. our wish come true.
we journeyed deep and wide to find him.
all while finding ourselves.
then he chose to arrive.
at a time most perfect for our hearts.
he knew when to come,
even though we longed for him so much earlier.
such a wise, gentle spirit.

{Do check out Stacy's other beautiful shop Adele's Attic. Yummy vintage treasures from her past.}

2010-08-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

cedar on beach yesterday, august break #7, canon 50d

Uncertain about the feeling of waves about to crash up to his knees, he pulls his suit up and looks up at daddy. Wanting to be held, yet wanting to be brave. Seconds later, daddy scooped him up, whispering the message that it is perfectly okay to ask for help in your time of need.

a girl in a cafe.

2010-08-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

me yesterday, august break #6, canon 50d

dreaming. writing. creating.

dino-love*

2010-08-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

august break #5: daddy reading to him this morning, canon 50d

A week ago, we were watching a documentary about dinosaurs on the History Channel. Cedar was completely enamoured, even when over and over there were frightening Dinosaurs roaring at the screen with saliva dripping from their teeth. It frightened me more than Cedar. He just roared right back and clapped and twirled and made new Dino friends in his imaginary world.

So, yesterday we felt it was appropriate to take him to the Dinosaur exhibit at our local Natural History Museum. It was a blast. We let him lead the way and it was so fun following him around with the camera. Although, I forgot my BC (big camera) and had to settle for my phone and none of them turned out that well but I will post a few just for fun. He was pointing and squealing and even checking out the written descriptions on each creature. So fascinated and it was contagious.

My favorite part was when Cedar turned the corner on the top floor and saw the ginormous shark hanging from the ceiling. He pointed and screamed in an excited way and everyone around him laughed and joined his enthusiasm. This one sweet man strolling by him in a wheelchair looked at Boho Boy and said "that was the best reaction ever."

mate on the veranda.

2010-08-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

august break #4, canon 50d

Here I am this morning, drinking my yerba mate on our veranda with Elvis the kitty and Birgit the Mother in-Law.

Last night I had a dream that I rented my house out to my nieces and nephews. We all lived together and then I became a Zookeeper and took care of animals and then I was a teacher at a University and when I was walking out of the University, I saw a tsunami coming from the mountains down to us. I think that is when I woke up.

More mate please.

Tell me what you dreamed if you remember...

burny bubble bum.

2010-08-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

airing it out, august break #3 {cedar, 20 months}

Cedar has only wanted either formula or water to drink. While at a restaurant the day before yesterday, he was given a wee box of organic apple juice. He was AMAZED and awed and because he was being so super cute and animated about it, we let him drink it. All of it.

Big mistake.

Hello huge rash all over his bum and a bit down his legs. So we're doing all we can to heal his sensitive skin and lift his spirits but I've never heard him cry so much in pain. His body was in shock and shaking last night. He was also overtired because he wanted to stay up for Omi's 10pm arrival from the airport. So mommy and daddy are tired today from a night of no sleep. I think he finally fell asleep around 5am. So, today he's being really FUN and dramatic. So far he's won two Academy Awards in our house. Its awesome.

I love his bubbly bum and he loves being naked. The best part is when he runs to the corner to pee and laughs at what he can do. Potty training is near and something tells me he is going to find a lot of comic relief in the whole ordeal.

my favorite dress*

2010-08-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

vintage dress, august break #2, canon 50d

I bought this dress when living in Berkeley at a really lovely consignment shop. I wish I remembered the name of the shop. It might not still be there but if it isn't, I am sure another funky yummy one is. Shopping in Berkeley was one of my favorite pastimes in my late twenties, early thirties. I was single. I was exploring. I was reconnecting with myself after being in a long, not so healthy relationship. I wasn't saving a penny. Not saying I am proud that I spent all of my money from that time in my life...but it was so fun! ; ) And my niece inherited all of my duds when I bought more and couldn't fit them in my teeny tiny studio closet. Needless to say, she was stoked.

I am much more frugal now. I also am more into soft organic type clothing rather than ruffles and lace and itchy fabrics. But I still so admire clothing and style and how one expresses themselves with what they wear. I'd like to say it is now more a passion rather than an obsession.

This one dress I kept among a few others that were just too pretty to give away. It has two parts: A silk slip and a sheer gauze overlay. Now it hangs on a vintage window up in the loft for pure eye candy every day and perhaps for me to put on during a photoshoot (which i did last year with Deb).

I know there will be a time when I may slip these types of clothes on more often but for now, I am so loving my loose, flowy, soft layers of cotton or hemp.

Here are a few of my fave shops that fill up my closet now: Texture Clothing, Treehouse28, Sweet Grass Fibers, Prana, Gaia Conceptions, Circle Creations, Sweet Skins

{texture clothing is giving a 20% discount to my blog readers. just add code: boho20 to your purchase}.

august break*

2010-08-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

Cedar, 20 months ~ August Break #1

I decided to participate in my dear friend Susannah's August Break for three reasons: I love supporting her. I love community. I get to use my Big Camera every day!!

So I will be posting one photo a day on my blog, all through August. Some may have words. Some may just have the image itself. Images alone speak volumes, yes? This is perfect timing for me to use this as an excuse to bond with my BC (big camera). It will also free up some time for me to finish up a few projects. It will also invite you into the intimate moments of my every day.

All of your kind words about my images of Cedar in the last post really melted me deep. It is stirring up a passion within me to capture my life in a way that I haven't in a long while. So thank you. I am grateful for your encouragement and support.

My mother in law is coming tomorrow for a week! Perhaps I'll capture her without her knowing. Her eyes are stunning like my boys.

See you tomorrow. xo

ps. just added a few new sponsors on my sidebar! Texture Clothing is offering a 20% discount for my readers. make sure to use the code: boho20 when purchasing. i have a pair of her Posh Pants and they are AWESOME to the max.

i will still be answering your questions. i promise i haven't forgotten. its a years worth of writing material for me. ; )

Cedar...The Boy.

2010-07-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

I've been so lazy about getting what we call my "big camera" out to take photos of Cedar. I've been snapping sometimes hundreds of photos a day of him with my Palm Pre phone and sending them to family and friends. Its easier. Its practical. Its faster.

Although, today I realized how much I miss my big camera. Deeply miss this integral part of who I am. Lately I've been more into writing than this other part of my creative spirit. Today, it spilled open when I captured my son. Seeing him through my lens made me realize he is no longer a baby, really...but a boy.

I feel like something cracked open in me. Now I am beginning to look around me, again...and long to capture the romance that I see...in everything. I feel more willing to add extra weight to my bag. Now that my "boy" is more independent, there is more space to hold my other baby. The big camera baby that I cherish so.

Today, after clicking away, I paused and observed him as a boy and not a baby. I got a bit weepy. He noticed something different about mommy's eyes. They had water in them. I said "mommy is crying"...and he went over to the bookshelf and handed me this book. He's so connected.

Here are some Cedar-isms that are emerging lately...

He likes to make ramps out of his books to let his cars loose on.
He's really into his Helicopter book.
When classical music is playing, he closes his eyes and sways his head from side to side.
He now loves to dramatically move his body on the floor with dance fingers and flips, just like the dancers on SYTYCD.
He is not cool about daddy snuggling mommy unless he is part.
When he sees someone new, he hands them the toy in his hand.
He speaks his own language when flipping pages of a book. It might be part Japanese.
He loves to share his food.
When he is coloring, he wants to make sure all sitting around him has a crayon too.
He will only drink with a straw.
When he sips water, he follows it up with "ahhhhh".
He thinks he is really funny and laughs at himself all.the.time.
His favorite things to play with are airplanes, helicopters, balls, automobiles, books, drums, guitars and stuffed animals.
He's super clumsy because his feet and toes are HUGE.

ummm...what SHE said.

2010-07-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

i am a tree lovin' nerd

My friend Stacy and I sent one another a few VERY raw videos today. Raw meaning, just woken up, no make-up, scratching our head, interruptions from our kid, accidentally spitting on the screen while talking, showing one another our body bits that we oh so want to send love to right now and just keeping it real. It was so healing and it inspired me to finally download Skype so that I could connect with my lovelies more often this way. Been feeling a bit isolated lately and in chattering away to the laptop camera, changing subjects every few moments, just SO excited to be SHARING with her, I realized I feel a bit lonely for this connection.

Many of you have asked me where I am at with eating Vegan or flirting with the Kind Diet. I haven't yet been able to put it all into words because I am still in it, feeling it out, petting its hills and valleys, making love to new flavors and being kind to myself in the process. Re-learning a new way of taking it day by day. Not being so extreme. Creating a balance around my choices and allowing it to be a process, a journey and not so much a diet depriving myself of something I crave or need.

So, since I feel unable to be clear about it with all of you right now, I wanted to direct you over to Stacy's post. She expressed it all so much better than I ever could. I feel as though my heart is so in harmony with where hers is in all of this. She was the one who inspired me to get the Kind Diet book in the first place and encouraged me to try this approach because her and I are all about kindness and gentleness.

She and I always seem to be walking side by side when it comes to food. We even took a Raw cooking class together in Los Angeles. Tried the Blood Type Diet together and oh so many others. But this time this way of eating feels different for us. Not like something we're trying but something we're living and breathing and it sort of feels in a way how we felt when our babies finally came into our lives...like, "there you are!". It just makes sense. Okay, so maybe not as intense as when our babies came but you know what I mean. It just feels so aligned with our approach to love and connection.

So, how is my Vegan journey going? Ummm...what SHE said.

; )

Bonus Cedar photo :: I think he knows he is cute.

aprons are sexy.

2010-07-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

My husband took these tonight with his phone (man our new phones have crappy image quality). We were all snuggled up, eating raw, vegan lemon cheesecake (by Earth Cafe) and watching Dual Survival on Discovery. LOVE that show. Just discovered it. A hippie and a military dude both experts in survival (one very earthy, the other not so much) showing us how to survive in extreme settings. I feel like such a dude watching it.

And then I see these photos. I totally forgot to take off my apron after I made dinner.

Not really a dude...but totally a 50's domestic wifey. ; )

quiet misty morning*

2010-07-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

It's been so hot here lately...and my body doesn't respond well to extreme heat. But this morning is overcast and misty, with a cool breeze through the window. So, I sit here, breathing it all in...sweater over my pj's, hot steamy cup of yerba mate in hand. Centering myself for the day.

Its been a slightly intense week here for me, hence the quiet. Both Cedar and I caught the stomach flu on top of him about to cut two or three teeth (molars and pointies, not fun) and he's growing so fast that I can tell his legs ache and to top it off, he's had a few injuries. Then there is me, full or hormones as my cycle is about to begin and with all of this swirling around me, still wanting to connect with my intuition about how to love Cedar best and guide him towards kindness of self and others. This probably would have been any other week around here. Just life with a toddler. I just think being ill threw us off.

I have some deadlines for my website designer and no time to work on it. Boho Boy is putting so much of his energy in trying to build his database business so that we can move sooner rather than later to a place that we belong and where Cedar can connect deeper to nature. He is putting more hours in than usual. So, he called me this week, telling me he talked to our neighbor, who is a teacher at his school and one of the kindest women I have ever met. She wants to help me next week...to babysit Cedar a few hours a day so I can go to the cafe and get my work done. I completely feel safe with her. Her and her sister (who is a nurse and also our neighbor...score!) have both watched Cedar when he was an infant so that Boho Boy and I could go out on a date. I don't know why I didn't think of this myself. I love my husband for thinking of it for me.

I was chatting with a dear friend the other day. I admire how she nurtures her children and she has been a mother a lot longer than me. Because her and I are so much a like, I go to her often, among others in my life. During our chat, I felt like she gave me permission to admit that this age Cedar is at is hard (15 months - 21 months) and that at times, sanity can feel pretty wobbly. I cried when she said this because it is my truth. Its so many beautiful things but what makes it hard for me is that he cannot fully communicate to me what his needs are and I cannot fully communicate to him what mine are. We communicate in other ways but you know what I mean. I can tell his brain is ahead of his bod and his desires and he often gets frustrated that he cannot do or say what he wants to. For someone like me, who tends to be a fixer (like my husband) and a peace-maker, it goes against my nature to not be able to solve these things for Cedar. Because of this, it is a constant lesson and a practice in letting go and loving. I know each stages of our children's lives bring these lessons and there will be a constant exercise in releasing rather than resisting. We are being gentle with the process.

So, I welcome this time next week...to reconnect with my creative side and replenish so that I can be more present and patient.

I have a dread post coming up! I am just waiting to get some current photos of my hair down to share with you to go along with my words. My hair is always up right now and that is because I live with a toddler and if I wore it down, my locks would be full of food and snot and poo. ; )

So many of you asked about my dread journey and you're right...I haven't talked about it in a long while. Its time my locks get some attention and energy!

Affirmation for this weekend: I am enough. Cedar is enough. Boho Boy is enough. YOU are enough.

Blessings for your weekend. Om shanti.

Love,
Boho

ps. thank you all for contributing your thoughts on my parenting style post. i am learning so much from all of you and those things that make my heart sing are what i am going to marinate on for my own journey.

Parenting with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

2010-07-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

This really moved me today...I found it through a friend.

Deep breaths.
Patience.
Connecting.
Time...a lot of time.
Opening perspective.
Communication.
Recognizing needs...theirs and yours.
Exploring hearts.

Connecting, connecting, connecting to our children.

video from phone.

2010-07-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

just started saying hello...

His current words are: Uh oh. Hello. Mumum. Dadadada.

you share first...

2010-07-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

hello lovelies out there in cyberyumland.

ohhh...i am feeling a wee under the weather this week and i have SO many delicious questions to answer that you have asked. although, what my mama intuition is telling me to do is rest when the babe is resting so that i can nourish myself back to feeling fully me again.

one of the questions quite of few of you asked, has me marinating and dreaming on how to spill and put it all into words: what is my parenting style. now THAT is a juicy nectar of a question.

i LOVE hearing other souls define how they parent and guide and teach little ones. so, over the next few days as i rest, can you share with me what your styles, dreams are for the wee ones in your life? i am not only speaking to parents, but caregivers of all types (grannies, aunties, friends of wee ones) and those that imagine having children someday and what they dream of being like as a parent. the beautiful, as well as the messy parts.

i know this can feel overwhelming to answer. i feel a bit of that too. so, even if you share one sentence, a poem, a vision, a teeny piece of the huge puzzle. i know so many would feel blessed by whatever you can share. i know i am always feeling blessed by your stories because i never claim to have the answers. i try my best to live each day open to the lessons of teaching and being taught. trying not to put anything into a box or a specific idea and allowing my experiences to guide and help me evolve. perhaps that is my answer. i will think more on it.

you share first...

a village.

2010-07-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

cedar & me yesterday, after he played in a water park. he is looking up at a huge yellow hot air balloon in the sky and feels afraid.

today i come here with no ego after a week of restless nights and a barely sleeping, teething toddler with growing pains. a boy who is quickly discovering he is separate from me, from us and is exploring this without the ability to share it in words. his awe, his frustration, his wanting to absorb it all and yet come back to those quiet moments where a book will suffice. he wants so badly to not need me yet he needs me deeply.

one minute he is softly stroking my face and handing me his stuffed puppy to snuggle up close with him and the next minute he is throwing his book at me because he cannot express what he wants to. i was told this would happen. i've read about the phases and stages in both tender and clinical ways. but when it comes down to those moments of shock, its a bit of a mind mess, non? some more than others. some meaning after a whole week of not sleeping well, i feel stripped of the warrior goddess and instead am lying naked, vulnerable and weary.

there are moments of deep inner strength. there are moments of unraveling and tears. there are moments of clarity and there are moments of uncertainty. each day of his life is intense and beautiful and exhausting and confusing and heart shifting.

i shared this with a dear friend today. we exchanged ideas about how truly, we are not meant to raise our children alone. how our culture in America can at times send out a message that isolation is perfectly okay. that we can do it all and do it alone. i am grateful to have people in my life that think beyond those boundaries. that resonate with how other countries embrace the idea that it takes a village. it takes a tribe.

with all of this swirling around me, i read this sent to me by a soul friend that gets it:

he's so beautiful.
and he's yours...
this soul that came to your heart.
that grows in front of you.
every day... something new.
big laughter and smiles.
and tantrums and blow out poops.
curly sweet sweaty hair after a nap
cuddling into mamas boobs.
sitting with his frog legs, pulling books into his lap.
he's amazing...
and he's your baby.

it feels like you've always had him.
like- i don't remember you without him.

mmmmm...my heart swells and i find my strength in those words.

hey...my ego is stripped and i stand here shouting to the rooftops that i am totally cool with a village surrounding me right now. bring it on.

birthstory book*

2010-07-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

cedar (three days old) and daddy sleeping

This weekend I am working on a birthstory book for us to read to Cedar. I'll be using Blurb (love) to make it. There will be stories and images of when we first met his birth parents, then his BIRTHday, moving into the few weeks we spent in the hotel room post birth and finishing with the drive home. I want to read this to him on a weekly basis, so that his story, to him, will feel like a natural way to come into this world, into our world.

We'll continue to make books for him..."first year", "second year", etc. But this one is going to be so very emotional and raw and beautiful.

So, last night, as I was beginning to create the book by uploading the first image onto the Cover Page, I was starring at the computer to come up with a title. I was in a bit of a tender space, yet exhilarated at the same time. It was so fun to go back to all of these images and relive that whirlwind of a time for us. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, in those moments of reflection...there are always a mix of emotions.

So, with a bit of rawness in my voice, I looked over at Boho Boy sitting at his desk near mine and asked..."What should I call the book...'Cedar's Birth Story'"?

...he thought about it and then responded in light..."How about 'Lord of the Binkies?'".

This is why I love him so. The yin and yang of our moods. I laughed so hard that I laughed myself out of being too intense in that moment. He knows what I need so well.

Anyways, wanted to share a few of the images from the hospital, as well as the hotel room that are precious to me and haven't yet been posted on my blog. Due to privacy for our birthparents, I am unable to share the ones of them.

xoxo

first gaze once nurses gave way..."oh there you are...of course it's you"

first cuddle with his son

first feeding

exploring his face

falling into slumber together in the hotel room

first time trying a wrap. cedar was never a huge fan. ; )

one of my favorites

he looks like a doll wrapped like a burrito (taken in hotel room on thanksgiving day)

questions for boho girl {answers #2}

2010-07-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

taken with my palm pre phone

Boho Boy has always felt awkward in front of the camera. He loathes smiling for the lens. He feels it is totally unnatural...unless it is natural, if you know what I mean. So most images I have of him are a serious face. This one in the car was classic and it made me laugh out loud and I wanted to share it with the world (thanks honey!). He was being his typical goofy self. I think through photos, people get this impression of him that he is serious all of the time but truly, he is always laughing and cracking jokes and smiling. I told him so many times he could be a stand up comedian and everyone that truly knows him would agree but alas...he is a sexy librarian and a database designer (I think that answered the question Gina asked about what he does for a living...*wink*).

Within the first hour of meeting him, he made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee my pants. Laughter is SO the way to my heart. I can be serious and intense enough down deep and my release has always been to giggle nervously or to laugh with abandon. Two things that Boho Boy discovered soon after our first hello and ever since, has been having the time of his life with.

The other day we were teaming up to change one of Cedar's explosive poops. Cedar loves to kick his legs and wave his arms and try to get off the changing table while we're doing this. Hence, the team effort it needs. To distract him, we always hand him something to play with and we try to be creative and new. This particular time, it was an iPad touch (looks just like an iPod). Although, while holding it, he also dipped his hands in his poop and then proceeded to smear the juicy poo onto the iPad screen. My gut reaction was mortification. I have a bit of a gag reflex when it comes to the smell and sight of poo. This is why Boho Boy thought I might never be able to change a poopie diaper...but I have been doing SO good. I've only gagged a few times. But Boho Boy's reaction to the smeared poo on his beloved iPad was...calm, cool and "hey...look, it's an iPood!" I think I laughed so hard I cried. Then Cedar laughed too. Oh, did I tell you Cedar has an awesome sense of humor? Its almost scary sometimes how sharp he can be at 20 months. He has tried to make us laugh for a long time now. He totally gets it from his daddy...oh, and I guess me sometimes.

I love them so.

Okay, onto answers to some of your questions about my boys:

Leah asked: Coming out of lurkerhood to wonder about the process you went through to choose an adoption consultant.
My answer: Our situation was pretty unique in that the adoption consultant came to me. She had been reading my blog for a long while and when I mentioned we were peeking our heads into the realm of possibly finding our child through adoption, she immediately reached out to me via email. We ended up having a phone call and talking for hours and becoming friends. At first she was just there as a resource, to answer any questions I had and then when we were ready to pursue getting matched with a birth mom, she was right there with a list of birth mom stats. So, because of this, we never went the agency route and have no idea what that process is like. I can imagine doing it through an agency is quite different. Tammy is the adoption consultant's name and she does it all very organically and privately and is basically a liaison between the adoptive parents and birth mom. Doing it this way felt very natural for us. Going about it the way we did isn't for everyone, as we were also involved in the paperwork side every step of the way, hired our own lawyers, had unsupervised visits with the birth family, etc. We felt so blessed because Tammy had gotten to know our hearts deeply via my blog, which opened up space in her to be really intuitive about the process for us in regards to what suited our needs and lifestyle. Another reason I am so grateful that I have been open about my journey here. Had I never spilled about it on my blog, Tammy may never have found me.

***********************************

Sue asked: I would like to ask you how do you keep that real once in a lifetime love so special with your wonderful boho boy?
My answer: This is such a beautiful and real question and so appropriate for us right now. I think one of the most harmonious things between me and my husband is that we are both communicators. Neither of us can wait long periods of time without spilling our feelings and in a gentle way. Neither of us are aggressive about the way we communicate. We are not comfortable raising our voice and we are both peace makers and always have been throughout our lives. We're kind of kindred spirits. Both of us have been in relationships where our partner was more aggressive or more private with their emotions, so that has made us really appreciate one another. So, I think this similar way of dealing with anger and frustration and emotions, has kept us very close. Although, the reason this question is apropos, is that recently we had sort of fallen into a realm of quietness with one another. Feeling really exhausted as new parents and him working so much and me missing him. For the first time in our entire relationship, we were not super present with one another and when my sister Darlene came to visit, she noticed and brought it to surface. It really shook us up to see how easy it is to grow apart when you're focus is your child. So since then, we have sort of come back to ourselves by communicating daily and spending quality time together and reconnecting with the dreams we have for our wee family. It was a funk that we all go through and it needed to be heard and validated and nurtured.

************************************

Diane asked: Also, what's your philosophy on marriage? You seem so loving and caring towards your husband. I love and adore my husband, but sadly sometimes the mundane daily tasks bring out the nag in me. What advice would you give to inspire someone to be a better wife?
My answer: Oh Diane...I nag!!! When I do find myself being naggy, I try to be really conscious of it and apologize if I feel it is not helping the matter. I have really learned, with any relationship, that if there is something going on that doesn't feel right or I feel taken advantage of, that it helps to be gentle and not attacking about it, otherwise defenses will surface and you won't feel heard or truly seen and neither will they. I try to let my husband know how grateful I am that he does this, this and this before I let him know I am not comfortable with something else. But there are times when I am grumpy and tired and moody and I just let it out and because he is SO transparent, I see when it is too much for him and that is when I jump in and tell him what really is bothering me...which is most always something not at all related to him but some inner struggle going on. I don't know if I really have a philosophy on marriage, really. I just feel it is so important to keep communicating with my husband. Even with uncomfortable subjects. I really try and take responsibility for my part in the relationship first before I try to fix his and when we do that for one another, we are both being an example to one another of how we want to be. I think this could be a whole entire post because I have more to share but I'll do that another time. Thank you for this. It helps me navigate closer to my love life.

**************************************

Anonymous "A" asked: How did you find the courage to stop trying for another baby after adopting Cedar? How do you react/feel when people share stories of miracle pregnancies after adoption and suggest that adoption may kick in some magical hormones? I ask this because I am SO TIRED of other peoples pressure to try for #2, but also feel that nagging pressure inside. It's hard.
My answer: Awesome question and so grateful for the space to explore this. I was so very attached to the idea of being pregnant and birthing my child for so, so long. Up until I met our birth mom face to face, really. It was then that something shifted within me with the realization that this spirit baby that I have been feeling near me all these years, was supposed to come into our lives this way. It was our story for some reason. The reason for it perhaps didn't need to be known then and may not be fully known for a long time. I just felt certain about it when I gazed into our birth mom's eyes and felt her tummy and him move around for me. So the courage came from knowing this was our story, the way we were supposed to find one another. That really helped me to let go of being attached to any one way of how we connect with our child in this realm. Many people have approached me with the concept of having another baby naturally or even adopting and depending on my mood or if I am in a tender space or not, it does pull on some hard parts for me. Mainly because I am not one of those women that can control it in that way (either biologically or financially). I have really had to come to a place of accepting that it may always just be the three of us and feeling centered in that vision. So that if we do end up getting pregnant or adopting another child, it would be such a blessing but not really a goal, if that makes sense? We are not "trying" for another baby. We are wanting/needing to be in a space of trust and letting go and accepting what is. I think what also helps is that Cedar has other bio siblings out there that have been placed for adoption. I feel confident that someday he will connect with, when all feels aligned and comfortable within those families. (Ingrid...I hope that answers your question about adoption too!!). So, when people ask me if we want another child or make a joke about a miracle pregnancy post adoption or inquire about us adopting again, my response is always..."we're not trying but if it happens, that would be a blessing. we are okay with just the three of us. " What more can they say?

Whew, man...good stuff you guys. So grateful.

Here is a weekend photo for you of Cedar playing with his new beloved train set:

questions for boho girl {answers #1}

2010-07-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

happy photo of me by my soul sister jess

I am LOVING all of the questions you have asked. This is such a great teacher for me to dig deep for answers within. Answers for things I perhaps haven't truly solidified in my heart or thought consciously about in a long while. Some are deeply personal and some just plain fun. I am humbled to the core by your kind words and feel the need to say that I never walk on this earth feeling I have the answers to life's mysteries. My answers come from my own personal journeys. Oh how my heart, mind and soul are ever waxing and waning as my life unfolds and experiences guide me to evolve.

Today was a craaazy day, so I only have time to answer one question. I plan to answer more than one in future posts.

Lillian Chang asked: What is the best piece of advice anyone has ever given you? You always seem to have so much knowledge and wisdom and understanding, and I was hoping you could share the best bits of that with us :)

Such an awesome question, Lillian! What comes to mind is when I was in my early twenties,snuggling up with my friend Suzi, she shared with me something her father had told her when she was upset about how someone had treated her. He said "always take responsibility for your own happiness."

I remember feeling like a wide space opened up in my heart when first hearing this. It really shifted things for me. I, like so many people, had spent moments in my life being a victim when I was hurt or feeling alone or misunderstood. This idea of taking responsibility for my own happiness felt so empowering. This realization was both beautiful and hard. You mean I was fully responsible for my choices and actions and I couldn't really blame anyone in my life today or in my past? Wow...that takes work. A lot of work but oh how much richer my life has been and how much more peaceful my relationships are when I remember this.

Isn't that concept so deep and wide and helpful? It has served as such a guide for me. During the darkest times in my life when I wanted so badly to blame someone or something else, when it came down to it, I knew it was up to me to pull myself out of the muck. It was me that needed to remove myself from people or environments that felt toxic and no longer served how I wanted to be in this world. It was me that found the courage down deep to own my own stuff that surfaced when I felt triggered (i.e. I felt this way when this happened rather than You made me feel this way).

I think in a sense, it empowered me to make healthier choices and therefore, step deeper into pure joy and happiness. Its a process, always...an ever present teacher for me.

questions for boho*

2010-07-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

Over the next few weeks, every spare moment of mine (in between Cedar naps and laundry and grocery shopping and meal preps and cleaning our home) I will be writing and gathering stuff for my web designer. Yes, I FINALLY hired a true blue web designer rather than stumbling my way through it myself. I am in the finishing stages of writing my ecourse and I want to have one space where you can go to find me, rather than four different places.

Since I am creating more time for me to stop procrastinating and just get. it. done...I will need to focus focus. So, one of my readers had a fun idea for my blog over the next few weeks. My friend Em had her blog readers ask her questions in the comments and then she answered as many as she could in future blog posts.

So my dearies...if there is something you've been meaning to ask me, I'd love to try my best to answer, as long as it is still protecting the privacy of the rest of my family.

I'm so excited for inspired writing material from you creative beans! If you don't have a blog and you are writing anonymously, do tell us where you are writing from. I will be posting these questions (and answers) in my future posts.

xoxox

p.s. my sis has posted stories about our time at the farm over at her blog...SO cute.

visit to the farm*

2010-07-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

cedar in the almond orchard

For a good portion of his life, my sister's husband has dreamed of living on a farm. Knowing my sister, I am not sure if this is what she had always envisioned as where she may grow old with her lovemate. I believe she had in mind a Victorian house on a cliff near the sea...just like many of the romance novels she read. Yet, seeing her dig her hands into Mother Earth and walk up and down her orchard of almond trees, whispering to them...I truly cannot see her anywhere else. She has found her home within her husband's dream and has made it her own dream too. It has been so long since I've seen her so rosy cheeked and deeply connected to nature. It is pure delight to see him shed his perfectly pressed suit and tie and dig his soles and hands into his dream, with a straw hat and gloves. Farmer Boy.

There is so much magic in their orchard. It is indeed a home to many faeries and gnomes and the sweet imp that my son is, he brought them all out to play. ; )

Cedar and I would take a walk through the trees in the early morning while Auntie DD was still sleeping. The air was crisp. The wind singing softly through the leaves. The birds melodies and the cow moo's from farm's near was such a delicious symphony for our ears. We walked hand in hand. We picked flowers and smelled them. We crouched down low to watch bugs crawl. We counted clover leaves. We stroked our fingers across the bumpy trunks of trees and brushed our faces against their low hanging branches full of leaves.

There has been some emotional upheaval within our family and being together was so very healing. It was simple. And gentle. Moving from moment to moment without plans. Breathing deep. Spilling deep. Holding. Snuggling. Quiet stillness. Mindfulness. Kindness. There is something about the country that draws you into slowing down. I forgot about phones and laptops and facebook and blogs and twitter. It brought me nearer to my heart and closer to being present with my surroundings.

Before bedtime, when I would usually be caught up in the routine of bathtime, reading, bottle, bed...we would be sitting out on the porch, watching their three dogs roam around the grass and gravel, singing "twinkle, twinkle little star" in unison while pointing at the massive amounts of sparkles in the clear sky. Sitting on our laps, Cedar watched the sun go down and felt the slight chill come in and the fresh country air made him weary.

My parents were able to spend some time with us there. They are rearing a new puppy, so it wasn't easy to pull them away from the routine that puppies need. They brought Meadow and she was precious. Sweet tiny fluffy little licking love muffin. All she wanted to do was smother us in kisses and paws. My daddy and I took her on a walk in the orchard. She thought she was in puppy heaven. Cedar couldn't decide whether he wanted to melt into her or run away. He so needs a puppy. Soon, soon. This is the healthiest I have seen my father in a long time. His bad back and diabetes has taken such a hard toll on his body and soul. His circulation is not flowing well in his feet and legs and sometimes fingers. But in the orchard he was walking stronger than usual. Perhaps it was the fresh country air or that Meadow is bringing out the youth in him. It just brought me comfort. Marmie got down on her hands and knees to draw and color with Cedar inside. She was so proud of her creation. I told her she won the gold star for the day. I think she needs to color more often. She always said she wasn't very creative. I never believed her. She's created so much beauty around her.

I felt surrounded by love. I felt safe. I felt so excited to share Cedar. Sometimes I wonder, since my sister and parents come from two different generations, if they will observe my parenting and think I am nuts for not being conventional. But what I ended up feeling was so very strong. I notice those moments when they probably want to give me advice but rather they let go and let me step into my own intuition and knowingness. There is so much space for me to explore and marinate, to seek and feel secure in my relationship with my son. It means everything to me. I know that is rare and I do not take it for granted.

I miss the farm. I still feel it in my bones. What I miss most is the late night spillings with my sister that ended up in tear soaked embraces. We both feel very seen and heard. Together we are learning how to make healthy choices for our lives and in our relationships which is allowing more space for cultivating kindness, gentleness and respect with one another. Some of this is heart wrenching...to resist old patterns of behavior and thought but yet so full of truth speaking and raw-naked-nothing-to-hide-love. Its a process but one I am reveling in with my family.

Here are a few images of our time there...

cedar handing me a flower to smell

kindred spirits.

loving my sister's mirror and loving how cedar loves himself in his reflection

good morning farm!

peering down to watch a butterfly. i think cedar wants wings too.

auntie dd playing cars with cedar

cedar's post nap bottle. i am usually snuggling with him but had to take the photo. yes, he still
drinks at an angle for his GERD.

uncle jj reading to cedar

auntie dd reading "i love you, stinky face"

how you cool off at the farm

popsicles in a cool bath...another cure for a hot day at the farm

grandmarmie coloring with cedar {wish this came out more clear}

at the airport heading home. love his monkey backpack.

we are so sad to leave...but missing Boho Boy deeply.

The Journal :: Volume One

2010-07-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

I am soooo full to bursting with joy about this! Truly honored to be part of this magical collective.

More juicy details and how to purchase this delicious book here.

a wee adventure.

2010-07-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

me seaside, taken with palm pre

I am taking Cedar on a wee adventure. Will be back later in the week. It is SO needed. Its been a rough week due to some serious teething and growing pains all at once. I swear he woke up yesterday morning a foot taller. Okay, well at least a few inches. He is going to be a tall one. He is the height of an average 3 year old. I wonder when he's going to tower over little ole' me...when he's five?!?!?

Two tall boys in the home. I can see the jokes to be had in the future. Growing up, the running joke in our house was that my mother was adopted. We were all dark haired and mostly dark skinned and she was pure white with freckles and red hair. People sort of cocked their head sideways when she'd say "these are my girls!" It SO was not politically correct that we said she was adopted but now that I've adopted, I feel I can make light of it. ; )

I digress.

I was talking about our rough week. Yes. So yesterday I get a call from Boho Boy on his way home from work. He told me he wanted me to go see a movie tomorrow. Have some alone time. I had a huge lump in my throat and when I hung up the phone, a few tears spilled. I didn't realize how much I needed some "me" time until that moment and I felt so filled with gratefulness that he knew what I needed more than me. He truly is an amazing man. I heart him.

I chose to go see Twighlight: Eclipse. I just had to! I am a Twi-Geek. Read all the books in the same month. I was obviously in some serious need for light drama and fantasy and ethereal love stories that month. ; ) So there I was today sitting in the theater...a crushed out girl in a sea of crushed out girlies that are hot for vampires and werewolves. It was awesome! The collective clapping and sighing and squealing. The energy was so great and just what I needed. Escape! I'll be the first one to admit that I am a dreamer and love to escape now and then and one of my favorite things to do as a young adult until now is drive in a car, listen to music and dream up scenarios and adventures. It must be the writer in me.

So I end this wishing each of you a dreamy week full of imagination and adventures. I also want to end it with this adorable photo of Cedar. I FINALLY got him in his yogi pose. He does this all the time. Just sort of sits there in deep thought. I wish my limbs could do this with ease...

cedar, taken with palm pre

a sense of calm.

2010-07-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

I took this photo yesterday while in the studio up in the loft. A few dear friends and I send photos of one another back and forth via our phones. Our way of feeling as close to skin as possible when all we have is words or phone calls.

I like what I see when I look at this picture. I am not talking about my outer self but my inner (although, what I do love about my outer self here is that the bottom of my feet are dirty from living barefoot).

I see a sense of calm and comfort in self...a peace.

I think so much of this calm comes from what I have been putting into my body. I have been mostly vegan for over a month now. I say mostly because I have tried fish a few times. Other than that, I have not put animal or dairy products into my body and I am pleasantly surprised at the result. First I have to say how completely bizarre it is to me that I am not craving either one of these. They were a pretty big part of my life...well, at least cheese was. The only meat I was eating on a consistent basis was turkey (sliced sandwich meat from whole foods) and lamb. But man, cheese was my chocolate (I don't really crave sweets and haven't for years).

What motivates me to not eat these things when placed in front of me are a few things. One is that I truly feel my morals are aligned with my choice to not eat animal or dairy. I have a deep love and respect for animals and I know some are treated kindly and respectfully (organic, free range, etc.) but most are not and this is my way of letting them know how deeply I feel for them and see their souls and bodies as sacred. Two is that I feel so much cleaner and less sludgy. I am motivated by that so much. I have little to no allergies or asthma and I have more clarity of mind. More patience. More calm. More love to give. More wide open spaces in my heart. More energy and lightness of being.

For me personally, it feels so right within. I feel more connected to nature than I have in so long. I feel more mindful when I am chewing a mouthful of kale and whole grains. I think about where it came from. The mindfulness of those that prepared the soil and took gentle care of the crops. The sun and the rain and the earth creating life through plants so that we can have energy and vitamins and minerals and LIVE and survive. I think that is where the calmness comes from. The wide open spaces I am talking about. The ability to slow down and take time to even think about my food in my mouth, where as before I was shoving it down my throat so I could get to the next task of my day.

Before I continue to share in posts, this journey with all of you, I wanted you to know that I am so careful to share my thoughts about the treatment of animals. I know this is a tender topic to so many people that consume animal products that are wonderful, amazing, enlightened, mindful beings. I hope I make it so very clear here on my blog that all of my choices are choices that feel right for me and my wee family. I do not project it onto other people. I do not judge. I always strive to come from a place of compassion and empathy, having been through so many journeys myself. Having eaten animal products all of my life. I have never been one to stand on a soap box about any one idea because I know we are all so different, coming from various life experiences. I leave room for all of it. Your choices are yours, my choices are mine and if there are good and kind intentions behind them, we can celebrate them together and in peace.

So, with that put out in the open, I will mostly talk more about how I feel physically and emotionally with this new way of eating, rather than focus on the treatment of animals and our dear Mother Earth. Although I will bring those topics up of course...but they will not be the focus. My mission is not to convert you. My desire is to spill my own experience, with hopes that you may feel as re-invigorated and inspired and empowered as I have to treat yourself more kindly.

Reading the book The Kind Diet opened up these spaces in me and now while reading the book The Hip Chicks Guide to Macrobiotics I feel like my spirituality and connection to nature and God and nourishment and the sacred feminine are being aligned. I also have the book Women, Food and God on my shelf but I find it really intense for where I am at right now in my life with a toddler. What I enjoy about the Kind Diet and Hip Chicks book is that they are simple, light, fun reads and that is about what my mama brain can absorb right now. I heard Women, Food and God is absolutely life altering and I will probably read it in small doses (which is what a friend suggested I do anyways).

I not only see and feel the shift within myself but it is flowing through in my marriage and in my husband as an individual. Boho Boy eats whatever I put in front of him and has seemed to love my recipes now more than ever. He has been feeling much of what I have and because of this, has been eating less and less animal products (he hasn't had dairy in years...he is lactose intolerant). I also see him slowing down. I see more patience with his work. The last few days he even started doing Tai Chi again. Something he really feels connected to.

I am also trying to incorporate more greens into Cedar's diet. My next post will be about how I am going with Cedar's flow on what he loves to eat but also trying to be creative in incorporating more plant life into his precious body.

I will end this with a yummy pasta I made that Cedar LOVED...

{gluten free spinach and fettuccine pasta tossed with an asparagus puree, topped with toasted pine nuts and rice based grated parmesan-texture cheese. recipe inspired from Heidi Swanson in her book Super Natural Cooking . i made a few tweeks for my dietary needs}

funny face*

2010-06-30T13:22:00.000-07:00

cedar's funny face, 19 months

He's been making this face lately when he's unsure about something.

Its awesome.

Happy Birthday Boho Boy!

2010-06-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

my boho boys in january, 2010

My dear husband turned 40 today.

I was madly in love with him the day we were married on a cliff, near the sea, with fabric flowing up top tall bamboo and lanterns and lights in the trees. We were surrounded by faerie magic and the deep love and support from our yummy family and dear friends.

Every day since that magical one, I fall deeper and deeper in love with who he is as an individual, husband, father, son and friend.

The other day he was sitting on the couch reading and I was across from him curled up in his brown leather man-chair. He asked me why I was looking at him so funny and I said "because you look a lot like you did the day we met in that kitchen in Santa Barbara early in the morning. Same shorts. Same type of shirt. Same tousled hair." I kept sacred to myself what else I was feeling. A little shy to keep going because he seemed embarrassed enough already. But my heart was swelling that I married that man and he we are, 8 years later and I am still so crushed out.

Please leave him some birthday yums in the comment section.

We are away from our family and friends and I so want him to feel wrapped up in love today from those that surround us in our life. I planned a spa day for him near the sea. A 90 minute deep tissue massage and a float tank. Then dinner at one of our fave places. YUM.

Here are 40 reasons why I love him.

1. He is so very witty and makes me laugh every. single. day.
2. He loves to read and reading is sexy.
3. He can be the life of the party or the quiet one in the corner reading. Love that.
4. He has an open mind and is not a fan of labels/boxes on ideas/people.
5. He has the most beautiful forest green eyes. They sometimes look gray or brown. Awesome.
6. He has a deep understanding and appreciation for the sacred feminine.
7. I feel he truly sees me and wants me to be ME.
8. He has always encouraged and supported my dream to be a freelance artist/writer.
9. He has worked so hard since I met him so that one day soon we will all live somewhere in the country and work from home, doing what we both love and teaching our child(ren) how to follow their dreams.
10. He has such a deep well of patience and has taught me to be more patient.
11. He has taught me to breathe deep and ask for space when we disagree, so that it doesn't escalate to a place where we say things we don't mean.
12. He gives the best hugs ever.
13. He is 6'2 and I am 5'3 and...well, that is yummy.
14. He loves camping in the redwoods of Norther California. I grew up camping there.
15. He loves/needs to live near the ocean. Me too.
16. He is a writer and has been writing a trilogy for years. It is Awesome. That's hot.
17. He wants to build us a meditation dome in our backyard someday.
18. He is a self taught construction dude (love him in a tool belt).
19. He grew up with a mother from Germany that loves traveling, hosting parties and cooking and a father that was an archeologist/anthropologist/professor/musician and a brother that is a fine artist hippy. A truly bohemian fam.
20. He is willing to try any way of eating and always jumps on board with me when I start a new thing (currently Vegan).
21. He does Tai Chi in our living room with our son running in and out of his legs.
22. He is a very present father to Cedar.
23. He has been in a band and is an awesome drummer. He drums on everything.
24. He walks around naked, very comfy in his skin. Its inspiring.
25. He is very open minded about spirituality.
26. He loves/admires both Jesus and Buddha (me too).
27. He introduced me to Sci-Fi and brought out my inner Geek from 6th grade that felt she had to be something other than who she was to be loved and accepted. I now embrace the Geek in me.
28. He wants to travel to Thailand someday. Me too.
29. He loves and is proud that his lady is a Boho.
30. He reads my blog every time I have a new post.
31. He supports and encourages girly get-aways for me.
32. He loves to Kayak. Kayaking is hot.
33. He appreciates and loves my curves.
34. He needs communication to feel truly intimate with a woman and is not afraid to admit that.
35. He went to therapy for a while before we met and had self-help books in his bookshelf. That is hot.
36. He wants to build us a straw bale house someday.
37. He wears drawstring pants and rainbow sandals in the summer. HOT.
38. He wasn't afraid to tell me he wanted to marry me a few weeks after we met. Love his brave heart.
39. He thinks being a man is being in touch with your emotions and knowing who you are. HOT.
40. I always dreamed of marrying a man from a different country. He's Canadian. Canadians ROCK.

Bonus fact: He taught me the concept of asking one another "what are you afraid of?" during disagreements or grumpy moments. It shifts from projecting to introspection. YUM.

first music & dance class!

2010-06-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

hillside artisans

My friend Stacy was in town with her family and spent the day at Sea World. It was there where she found what she called a REALLY hot mama resembling Cameron Diaz. This hot mama told Stacy about a yummy boutique called Hillside Artisans where you can find delish shoes, toys and books. So she sent me a text about it and the next day I dragged my boys over to this place...just for fun. ; )

SO adorable.

Upon entering, we hear a woman singing in an adjoining room and she motioned over to us "So glad you're joining us, come in! Its free!" It was a music and dance class. There was only one other mother with her three year old daughter. We couldn't refuse.

Cedar was a bit shy when he first sat down with daddy. The teacher's voice was quite loud and she was singing right to him and his body language was that of pulling back. But then he warmed up within a few minutes and oh my, was he in his element!!

The next hour was one of the funnest we've had with him ever. As I've written here many times, he is just so connected to music and instruments and his whole body gets into the groove of it (especially with folk, bluegrass and oldies). So to see his face light up and then break into dance was AWESOME. The teacher wasn't expecting that at all. It warmed my heart for her to recognize his soul. He was really free with it all. He kept handing all of us his intruments and ribbons, wanting us to join. My mama heart melted all over and I got teary quite a bit. Boho Boy just beamed and got into drumming.

Cedar and I are solo, so so much of our days and this is why I try to go to Java Mama or the park as much as possible. So many have suggested I find a play group of some sort and I've looked at many options online. I haven't felt a pull towards any one group and as usual, trusted my gut with Cedar so much that I knew something would come along that felt right for us.

I love how beautifully this came into our day. That is how so many things in my life have worked. Just sort of putting that wish out to the Universe and serendipity surprises me with something so suited for my soul. I felt that this was so suited for Cedar's soul and felt grateful that being patient and trusting this process blessed him in this way.

The teacher has more classes at her own studio around the corner. So we are investing in a 6 week music/dance class for him, where a lot more kids will be there. I think this is a beautiful way to introduce him to socializing with others, in a place where he thrives and feels safe to be himself.

I wanted to share images I captured of the hour...

Walking to the boutique:

He's feeling a little freaked out and uncertain:

"Head and shoulders, knees and toes!" He knows this song, so he is feeling some familiarity:

He gets out of daddy's lap and decides he wants to pretend he is painting on the wall:

Okay, warming up to the idea:

Playing with shakers. He kept handing them to everyone.

Introduction to ribbon dancing! He was listening intently:

Wanting to share his ribbons:

This is when he let loose. Twirling, waving..woohoooo!!

Class done. He let out an "OMG, THAT ROCKED" yelp:

Walking back to our car. Resting on daddy.

Driving home. Leading to the best. nap. ever.

Then end of a day I will always cherish. The day when I felt a world open up for my son.

sacred spillings.

2010-06-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

my view from the kitchen this morning

This week I have really felt the vibrational pull of the full moon. Feeling very introspective and sensitive to feelings of others and my own. Cedar too is quite tender. We went I believe a whole month without the emotional and physical upheaval of teething. It seems to have returned with a vengeance and with it, behaviors like throwing food, slapping mama and throwing his bottle across the room. Because I too am in a tender place with my cycle and the moon approaching, it has taken so much inside of me to take deep breaths and be compassionate about the source of his frustration and not take it personally. Boho Boy is so much better at it than I am but that could be from over 10 years of experience he had teaching elementary school. I feel like teachers should have tattoos on their forearms to remind them of the second out of Toltec wisdom's Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.

The myriad of emotions I have in regards to Cedar in a manner of just a few minutes blows me away. How I can love him so much I could cry and then need space from him and then want to hold him close and then feel hurt if he acts out at me and then laugh at his funny ways...and that was just 10 minutes. Its overwhelming and has taught me so much about myself. It has helped me slow down. It has reminded me to stay present. It has required me to tap into the deepest parts of my sacred feminine for wisdom that was not realized until now.

So much of that wisdom tells me to be gentle on myself. To be gentle and empathize with other mothers, fathers, caretakers from all types of journeys. To have compassion.

I was spilling with a dear friend of mine about some tender spaces of my journey as a mama. One of them being how even though I felt confident about some choices I made for Cedar, I felt judged at times by other mothers. Mostly strangers that would see me at a park or in the aisles of a whole food grocery store. Whether it be me feeding Cedar with a bottle or placing formula in my grocery cart or organic jarred baby food, at times other crunchy mamas would give me a disapproving look. As Cedar would be gleefully sitting in the cart (because from day one, he hated to be confined in a carrier of any kind and needed to be FREE), a mama carrying her babe tight to her chest would give me two glances and looked concerned. One women shook her head when she saw me place Earth's Best pureed food in a jar into my cart...and when at Target placing formula into my cart, a mama actually told me she was surprised I was feeding my baby formula. Do I really need to go into my story that he was adopted and I didn't have enough time to get my milk going with herbs? Or that even if I did, I had a deep fear that the herbs wouldn't work (since it didn't work for me with fertility) and the last thing I wanted to be doing was putting energy into feeling like a failure rather than feeding my son in peace and filling his belly up in a way that felt right for us? That he had GERD and needed a special type of formula to soothe his burning throat and gut? Did I need to gently pull that woman aside at Whole Foods and share with her how many times I paid hundreds of dollars on organic yummy veggies and fruit to puree it myself and for some reason that I couldn't figure out, my son would refuse to eat it and only wanted jarred food?

No...I didn't need to explain all these things to them and thankfully when these things would happen, I was in a centered space and felt deeply connected to my own story. I have always listened to my gut about Cedar and went with his flow and he is thriving and happy and well and for this, I am so blessed. So blessed that for the most part, I haven't felt a need to justify any of this.

We all go into a journey with expectations. When I married my husband, I wanted to be fully pregnant with his child. I wanted to birth my baby in a tub, leaning on his bare harry chest, guided by a doula or midwife and screaming out to God and my tribe from around the world to get me through the surges. I wanted to pull my child from between my legs and onto my chest and be wrapped up in my husbands arms. I wanted many things but those things evolved and changed and something wildly different ended up happening.

Cedar found us in another way. I caressed the belly of another goddess to speak to my child. I watched him come out between her legs and be whisked away by doctors with gloves into another room to help him breathe and take out the liquid in his lungs. I held him for the first time fully clothed and just a few hours past me arriving at an airport. But it was beautiful and the connection I felt as his mother was instant and later that night as we lay with him in a hospital bed, and my husband told me I've never been more beautiful...I realized our story was perfect for us. I was exactly where I wanted to be. My expectations fell by the wayside and I felt fully present with what was.

I just wish in a sea of mothers that hold so many expectations on themselves and others, that we could embrace one another's journeys. That breast feeding mamas, could comfortably sit near bottle feeding mamas and not feel awkward or disappointed in the other.

My friend Brooke said something to me that has lingered deep for a few days now. She is an urban-earth mama that I deeply respect and learn so much from...

Feeling held to standards and rules, that takes the heart and soul out of parenting. It makes us, as mothers, guilty and it disconnects us from listening to our children as individuals. It prevents us from showing up to the moment and doing what needs to be done given the circumstances we face. It denies us the gift of being alive to every breath and listening to our hearts. The rules become the goal rather than the true goal - in this case, a thriving, nourished healthful child.

These camps and rules and parenting identities - from homebirth to breastfeeding to attachment parenting - it sets up wars and builds walls between us. They are labels and ideals tearing us apart. It makes me so sad that good intentions are actually victimizing us and keeping us isolated from one another.

I really connect to this and with her permission, I wanted to share this with you. Whether you are a parent or not, I know so many of you are nodding. This can apply to so many things in our life, really. I am putting a plea out to the Universe, to gather gentle, open minded souls to continue creating change, gentle change with these tender parts of our journeys. Journeys of all types...not just mother/parenthood.

two things that are really fun...

2010-06-22T21:36:00.001-07:00

Cedar learning how to run FAST like the wind, accompanied by joy soaked giggling!

A few of my photographs published in the Summer edition of Boho Magazine! Go grab a copy. So many delicious articles, gift ideas and eco-yumminess. I heart Gina, the editor. She created such a dreamy mag emulating her desire to live authentically and environmentally.

So totally fun (and rad).

xo

from Boho Boy in honor of Father's Day.

2010-06-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

me & cedar swinging at a park, taken by my wife

Before I met my wife I was a ‘Fixer” You know.. the guy who loved to fix everyone's problems except their own. Was so easy that way. Mr. Helpful… don’t worry about me… I’m fine. After the umpteenth failed relationship, I figured it was time for some soul searching. So I went on a quest of self discovery and improvement.

I went to counseling and had to do the hardest thing I ever did: turn that magnifying glass on myself. It was painful. But the good kind of painful. Those of you that have done “the work”, know what I am talking about.

One day in my best friend's kitchen in Santa Barbara a door opened and out walked my wife. I knew it the second I saw her. A calm soft voice whispered to me, “There she is”, and that’s what I said out loud.

The urges to ‘Fix” and help all came rushing back in our first few conversations. The White Knight on his gallant steed. But she reminded me: “I don’t want you to fix anything... just hear me”… and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t want the old patterns to ruin this one. I took a deep breath and let go. All I had to do was love her, with no expectations. It’s so much easier that way.

And now I get to do the same for my incredible son.

Happy Fathers Day.

Love,
Boho Boy

me & cedar this weekend at a bookstore, taken by my wife

my father*

2010-06-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

photos from my wedding in 2004, by robin nations

I've been waiting for a special time to talk about my father...just him. Today I've walked around my house and it seems my every thought is about him. Times we shared together. Things we feel and have said to one another or haven't said but wanted to. I am writing this with a lump in my throat and warm tears forming. I think these tears carry so much. My love for him is deep and wide and I wonder if he truly knows this. I think he does.

He was never a man of many words. Growing up, he was mostly a man of funny sounds or jokes to make his three girls laugh. I am not sure if he knew quite what to do with the overwhelming amount of estrogen in our home. He just made it fun, I suppose. He never made us feel he wanted a boy. He was happy and proud of his girls. I just think when we all sat around gabbing and giggling, he was secure enough to sit there quietly and drink us all in. He never felt he needed to be the life of our party or compete with our energies. He quietly let us shine with an enormous smile underneath his brown high cheek bones.

When my father did speak, we listened intently. We soaked it in like water to a sponge. His words were few but selectively wise and clear if we needed advice. I think I inherited this from him. I remember once my boss explaining to a sea of corporate dudes during a meeting when I was asked my opinion..."Denise doesn't say much but when she does, we need to listen." I am proud to carry that gift he gave to me.

There are many memories I have of him that are dear to my heart. I will share a few that I hope give you a wee glimpse into the man that he is.

There was a time when my father would go on nightly walks around our neighborhood and I would join him. Sometimes we each would have our earphones in with different music. Sometimes we would walk in silence because we didn't feel the need to fill the space with words. Sometimes we would chatter about everything and nothing. But he always made sure he walked closest to the street on the sidewalk. I never really thought much of why he wanted to do this until I finally asked after walking with him for weeks. He said; "Because if a car were to hit us, they would hit me first." I remember quietly taking this in, watching my feet on the pavement and holding back tears. I felt so safe with him.

Every summer we would camp as a family at San Mateo Memorial Park. Being surrounded by tall redwood trees and the smell of camp fire was my father's bliss (and mine too). Many times we would go on a hike alone. It was something I looked forward to every year...the adventures we'd go on together in the woods. One time, he slipped and fell quite a few feet down a cliff. I screamed for him and panicked and while he was the one scraped and bruised and trying to climb up to safety, it was him who tried to calm me. I grabbed his hand and lifted him up with all of my might. I remember a flash of what it would be like to lose him. I hugged him tight and we moved forward, perhaps him not wanting to disappoint me by turning back. It is that hike that lingers clear in my mind the most. The hike that made me realize he may not always be here and to not take any of those moments for granted.

Then there was the time I moved to Texas to be near my best friend and explore living in a place so totally different than what I was used to. He wasn't keen on my going because he wanted me near but he supported me. So much so that he offered to drive me there. It was an amazing road trip: California to Texas...him and me, windows down, hot wind blowing through the truck, a mixed tape I had made. Little did I know that hotel after hotel, he would wait until I was sleeping to keep a journal. He kept every receipt (gas, food, snacks, gifts) and taped them in the journal and wrote what we did that day. He also explored his feelings about losing me to this massive State of Texas but it was one thing he wrote that will stay with me forever: "We had been driving too long without stopping and I grew tired. You were sleeping and my eyes were heavy and trying hard to stay awake. The next thing I knew I was swerving to the next lane when my eyes opened and my heart raced. I was determined to stay awake and take care of my precious cargo." He gave this journal to me when he said goodbye before driving back to California by himself. It made me weep. Both the idea of him being alone on the drive and that he would make such a beautiful journal for me while I slept.

Oh daddy...there are so many deeper sides of you that people do not see. But I always have. I have felt connected to you in this way as long as I can remember. Even in my toddler years when I stood up on a chair and you let me play with your thick black curls on your head. I knew you then. You've been intimidating to some, a mystery to others and a bright smile and goofy spirit that lights up a room...but to me, you are all of those things and so much more. I see you.

I am so proud to be your daughter (and look like you) and I hope to carry the gifts you have given me to my child, the way you did for me.

I will always let you call me Booch. ; )

Happy Father's Day.

p.s. my sister Darlene's tribute to our father here.

reconnecting.

2010-06-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

cedar drumming on blue, almost 19 months

My niece left yesterday. The house feels quiet. Having her here was dreamy. We spilled for hours from the deepest parts of ourselves. Cedar was so totally crushed out. I think one of the most dreamy moments was her and I cuddling on the couch watching So You Think You Can Dance and her running her fingers through my dreads, down my neck and gently scratching my back while my head was on a pillow, resting on her lap. I don't remember the last time this was done for me. Boho Boy is a wonderful cuddler but not really a back scratcher. Neither am I but Angela inspired me to do this for those I love. She shared with me that she does this with her girlfriends and her boyfriend. She has such a giving heart. It felt intimate and soft and I melted into her while she did it for a full hour. This was my favorite moment. We ate delicious vegan meals and shared recipes. I feel so full of excitement for her adventure in Thailand approaching and so giddy that she found a life partner to share these experiences with.

angela & cedar, taken with phone

This morning I met with an old friend I worked with at the Gap in Northern California. Did you guys know I worked there? Yes. For five years. Both the Gap and Banana Republic. Boho Trivia! Her name is Jen and she was the visual coordinator there. I always admired her for her artsy ways and her wit and beauty. We also shared a passion for Deaf culture and sign language and went to school for this together. The best part of this relationship was that we were friends for a year before we discovered we were related. Her Aunt walked into the Gap while we were both greeters but she was not only her aunt, she was my sister's grandmother thru her marriage. It was awesome.

Today we snuggled under an umbrella outside of Java Mama with her preteen boys and Cedar. He is in a tender space right now while he is teething again but they were so gentle and determined to befriend Cedar. Within an hour, they were all on the ground, helping Cedar draw on a magazine.

tender bean today at the java mama playground outside

Oh, speaking of...new passion of his. Cedar drawing. He wants to do it all day long. With crayons or pens. He actually stays on the paper and is so precise. Jen was blown away.

Anyways, so neat to connect with an old friend and be reminded that she witnessed the first time I ever got sick from alcohol when the Gappers took me out for my 21st birthday. I was a good little Christian girl that didn't party. They were determined to get me drunk. It worked.

Now she sits across from me years later, as a glowy, soft, warm and gentle mother-spirit that is beginning a journey eating Vegan. I marvel at how life and friendships ebb and flow and journey off and come back again to find even though I have evolved into a completely different spirit, so has she and we connected on another level.

Have a weekend full of sweet, breezy moments of breathing deep and letting it flow and reconnecting with a sweet part of your past.

jen, her boys & cedar at java mama

thailand bound*

2010-06-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

angela {my big sis darlene's daughter}, canon 50d

My niece will be here in a few hours. She'll be sinking into the Boho home for a week before she ventures off to Thailand with her lovely boyfriend. She's going there to ~~get me some pretty things~~ explore and connect and deepen and bond with her man and her surroundings.

I am excited to send her off with a full belly and a light heart. She too is a foodie and is on a conscious journey of her mind, body, soul. I admire her commitment to Bikram Yoga, which she has done 3 - 4 times a week for a few years now. She rocks my world!

We look forward to playing in the kitchen together. I love that she shares my passion for whole, healthy and YUMMY food. We are so not about depriving ourselves of food tasting so good that our taste buds explode.

Most of her life, Angela has been told "you look so much like your aunt Denise"..."you ARE so much like your aunt", la la la...and part of me felt so darn proud of that (because ummmm...she's WAY more beautiful and cool) but another part of me wanted her to find her own spirit and way of being. To not feel like she is growing up in my shadow. I write this with tears so in awe of who she has become. She is indeed her OWN person, leaving the valley, setting up camp in San Francisco and dancing to the beat of her own drum. We are still kindreds and share many interests and have similar mannerisms but we are different people, blossoming from different experiences, learning from one another, walking side by side. No shadows. Just light.

Since I became her aunt when I was 12 years old, we pretty much have grown up together...and I consider her a dear friend in my circle of goddess sisters that help me evolve deeper into the woman I want to be.

All of my nieces and nephews are yummy and teach me. Blessed, I am.

{angela & her boyfriend at a wedding...isn't he fab?}

art together.

2010-06-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up not feeling as sprite as I have been. Something to do with pollen flying around in the air and freshly mowed grass and me being highly allergic to both.

But this, oh man...THIS time together with Cedar making free flowing scribbles...made it all so much better (with The Wailin' Jenny's to keep us company).

What are you up to this weekend?

earth dance goddess.

2010-06-09T21:22:00.001-07:00

I just discovered this video through a few friends on Facebook. It inspired me so much, I needed to share it with all the goddesses that come here.

Ohhh...how beautifully fantastically gorgeous, hot, earthy and soulful is she? She moves like butter with that round god circling her body. I want to move freely like this again. I want the walls to come down and to feel my spirit roar like this...with the rhythm, with the Mother, with the sun and the moon and the sky and all that breathe life.

Watching her reminds me of a class I once took while living in Berkeley...being circled by like minded men and women and me in the middle, letting it all unravel beautifully in body.

Mmmm mmm. Thank you earth dance sister, for reminding me and showing me the way.

from a whisper to a shout.

2010-06-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

I took this photo today. Boho Boy and I were laughing at Cedar's supermodel lip pout. I just had to share it. I think I need to wear brighter colors. My sister liked this green on me...and when I wore a bright turquoise shirt once she said I looked 10 years younger. I have always gravitated towards muted colors. Earthy. Every once in awhile I'll put on a shirt like I did in this photo and I do notice it brightens up my world a bit. Just something I was thinking about today.

While at Java Mama Cafe today, a song came on and Cedar stood up with the truck he was playing with in the play area and did three twirls. The parents looking out at the play area from the bar looked at me and laughed. It was awesome. And then three parents came up to me and said "your daughter is so cute."

Boys twirl too. ; )

So we are toying, flirting, playfully talking about the idea of living life on the road for a year before we move to Bellingham. Getting an RV and tricking it out Boho Style. Giving Cedar the whole country for his playground. We're doing some research. Chatting with a few friends/bloggers that are currently living life on the road. Each of us have a practical side. I'm a Virgo. He's a Cancer. Well...that says it all. But we also have a gypsy side and truly wonder if this is the only time we can really do something like this. Drive from yummy place to yummy place, visiting family and friends, setting up camp and exploring as we both work our online jobs (I swear my ecourse is going to come to fruition...I swear).

More on the idea of us having wheels for a home soon...if it blossoms from a whisper to a shout.

Sponsor GIVEaway.

2010-06-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

The experimental art e-courses have been designed to release the natural artist that exists in all of us. The course is jam packed with exciting experiments that will also suit practicing artists who may need fresh inspiration and an opportunity to try something new. I’m sharing great innovative techniques I’ve picked up on my own art journey, providing a chance for others to delve deeply and fully into art’s possibilities and discover your own true niche creatively. The final magical ingredient is you as you take this artistic journey into wild sketchbook experiments, painting, mixed media collage and experimental photograph taking, plus more, whilst sharing with a group of like minded individuals in our private on-line space.

portrait of amelia

Amelia Critchlow is a mixed media artist, dreamer and creator of the experimental art e-courses who lives and works in London, UK. With a BA Honours Degree in Fine Art, Amelia regularly participates in selected shows, fairs and exhibitions around the UK, and became a qualified art tutor whilst doing her degree and has since taught in well-known galleries, museums, colleges in the UK. Amelia has discovered her true passion of using art to explore personal experiences and her journey through life, using a variety of media to process and express. She shares these thoughts and experiments with art and life on her blog and website. She has now taken her desire to share art on-line by launching the experimental art e-courses – providing a chance for all those wishing to discover their creative potential to be able to do so all from the comfort of home . . . Amelia is passionate about art and believes in it’s power to encourage well-being, fulfillment and a way to connect for all, and welcomes anyone with a calling, to join the experimental journey into discovering the natural artist in you!

mixed media on canvas

You can learn more about Amelia on her website.

Giveaway Info:
Amelia is giving away a free collage starter kit to the first person who signs up for the Summer 2010 Experimental Art e-course (starting on Monday, June 14th 2010) by leaving her a message that you found the e-course through Boho Girl.

collage starter kit

She looks forward to meeting all those who want to take this Summer creative journey!!

i. love. him. so.

2010-06-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

boho boy at the park

The other day I was writing a friend about my husband. I shared how when we first started dating, that my heart was guarded. I had a few romantic relationships in the past that made it difficult for me to trust the words "I Love You", so I was treading lightly. Boho Boy was in a space of complete openness. He had been single much longer than me and with that time had done so much self healing and therapy and was so Zen.

One night he told me... "I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life but I don't have any expectations for you to feel the same."

That was when I allowed myself to fall.

"Funny how fallin', feels like flyin'..."
~ Jeff Bridges & Colin Farrell ~ Fallin' & Flyin off the Crazy Heart Soundtrack

the kind diet.

2010-06-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

basket of crazy delicious veggies

ingredients to healing soup

vegan brown rice wraps

baked maple lotus root yummies {recipe in Kind Diet book}

I just touched on the surface of this Kind Life journey for me. I still have so much to learn and so much time to feel my way through this new way of being conscious with my mind, body and soul. I will share as I move through it.

Links I mentioned in vlog:
Stacy, from Bella Wish (inspired and encouraged me)
Alicia Silverstone's Kind Diet book
Her Kind Life website
Whole Foods Market

Books/Sites others have suggested:
Gluten Free Vegan blog
The World Peace Diet by Will Tuttle
The Hip Chick's guide to Macrobiotics by Jessica Porter
Vegan Comfort Food by Alicia Simpson

you*

2010-06-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

cedar eating celery at our friend's house in santa barbara

Today was spent settling back in after being gone for a long weekend in Santa Barbara. It was really dreamy being there. So many wonderful memories. Not only the place where I met my darling husband but also the place where I came to heal, driving down from Berkeley, without much of a plan. I was 30 years old and ready to spread my wings and start a new chapter in my life. Our time there was spent reveling in many heart soaked, late night talks and also drinking a mouth watering smoothie called Betterfinger at Blenders in the Grass. Its like a liquid Butterfinger but healthy...sort of. Fresh squeezed carrot juice, peanut butter and frozen soy blend. Who would have thought?

I am going to do a vlog for you hopefully tomorrow. I want to connect with you in that way. It feels more intimate and raw.

I would also love to hear from you. Even if it is just a simple hello. Say hi and where you are from or tell me something yummy about your day. I love to bridge that gap between writer and readers from all over the globe. I am equally inspired by the way you all seem to come here and spread your gentle wisdom and comfort and love. Do say hello in the comment section. Let me see you! Even you shy beans!

p.s. don't you just LOVE the door in this photo? it is at our friend's house in SB. its also rounded at the top. so so so dreamy.

reading is sexy.

2010-05-31T22:37:00.000-07:00

my boys at east beach, santa barbara {memorial day weekend}

; )

where we fell in love.

2010-05-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

me & boho boy in our younger years. i look so smitten.

We are off for the weekend, to the place where Boho Boy and I met and fell in love. We'll be pointing out to Cedar all the places where his mom and dad made out. ; ) And where daddy rescued mommy's purse that was lost in the sand one late night. Once we got back to my place and realized I had left it on the beach, he insisted we go back and he was my hero, digging in the sand, by moonlight, past midnight. So sexy.

Our first date was awesome. Toes in the sand and spilling our hearts. Spontaneously wine tasting and purchasing a bottle of chocolate wine. Eating sushi and everyone staring at us. We think they thought he was Robert Downey Jr.

Ohhh...the memories will all flood back.

Will be back on Monday...xoxox

cutting molars & a fat lip.

2010-05-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

cedar today in a mood

I planned on doing this romantic vlog for you all today by the window...with the light shining in and some inspirational stories about this new Kind Diet (via Alicia Silverstone's book) I am on and how wonderful I feel on it.

Then cutting more molars happened in our house. Cedar has been off and not sleeping well and the nights have been long and catching up to me. And today, in the beginning of a tantrum, I picked him up and he threw his head back into my lips so very hard. SO very hard. I finally know what it feels like to be punched hard in the mouth. I felt my teeth dig into my bottom lip and the torn flesh from it moving to the tip of my tongue and the gushing of blood down my chin. I sat there stunned. Cedar turned around to look at me, stunned. His tantrum stopped and my crying started. I tried breathing deep to stop the tears, to remain calm and unaffected in his presence but I sat there staring at him with my hand over my mouth, blood dripping through my fingers and tears, huge tears quickly spilling down my cheeks. I was a bit in shock. He rocked back and forth shaking his head and I rubbed the back of his head with my free hand. He didn't know how to express his sorrow. I understood that. I was in this strange in between place of wanting to be angry at someone for doing this to me, yet knowing there is no one to be angry at, all the while falling more in love with my son for being so empathic. What a strange myriad of emotions to feel in one moment. I had to distract him with his guitar, take a step away from him and call my husband. My heart was racing and I just needed to talk it out, to cry it out.

I know my emotions so easily came to surface because of my exhaustion and because of my approaching moon cycle and because this is the first time I've been physically injured by someone I love, even if by accident. It still feels shocking. I don't remember the last time I cried from physical pain.

Many dear hearts told me this was to come. That parents will get bumps and bruises from tantrums or what have you. I suppose I never expected a bruised, fat lip.

He woke up from his nap today and we held one another longer than usual. I sat on the chair rocking him and he was limp, feeling totally safe in my arms. I rubbed his jaw and planned my trip to Whole Foods tonight to gather herbs to make chamomile popsicles for him tomorrow. I might have one too.

Motherhood is a trip.

Edited to add: By request, here is the recipe for the Calming Cooling Herb Pops, sent to me by the wonderful Latisha (she gets her herbs at Mountain Rose Herbs):

Calming Cooling Herb Pops
2 tablespoons chamomile
2 tablespoons catnip
2 tablespoons spearmint
1 teaspoon valerian
1 teaspoon stevia

Steep in a quart size jar for several hours or overnight if possible. In a large pitcher, mix in 1/2 jar of juice and 1/2 jar of water
Pour into freezer trays
Wait about 45 minutes (depending on freezer setting) then insert popsicle sticks
Freeze overnight

Simply chamomile will do if you don't have access to the other herbs. }

cedar expressing his groove.

2010-05-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

cedar, 18 months

Had to share what we captured today. He does this all the time but I think I finally got some quality groove with his singing style. It almost sounds like Blue Grass twang. ; )

This is recorded from my phone, so its a bit pixel-y...and the shaking is from me laughing.

Enjoy.

{excuse the mess. ah well.}

java mama.

2010-05-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

cedar in the play area of java mama, taken with my palm pre phone
{view from the half moon shaped bar}

First I want to thank every single one of you that came to this space to share your own stories and experiences with the park...as new moms, not so new moms, moms of one, moms of many or those of you that aren't yet moms but have some fears or concerns. It was a beautiful and gentle dialog and I most definitely don't feel alone in this. So many different ideas, so much wisdom, such vulnerability, philosophies, analogies...WOW. I am touched and moved beyond words.

I felt really brave yesterday walking into Java Mama. It is a darling cafe in town that just opened up, specifically for care givers to bring their little ones (ages 6 and under) so they can work on their laptop or gather with friends while supervising their children in a play area. They designed a bar in a half moon shape facing the play area, so you can sit up on the stools, sip coffee or tea and observe. Boho Boy has been wanting to stop by for ages and yesterday, on the way to the beach, we did. Oh I am so glad we did!

I'm not sure if it was the groovy tunes or the laid back atmosphere or the urban funky setting (perhaps all of the above), but the children were just all so mellow, kind and gentle with one another. Plus there were parents sitting side by side, drinking their yummy drinks and winking and smiling at one another. My heart felt like it was bursting. I really needed this soul balm.

There was this one two year old boy with curly locks of hair that kept following Cedar around and handing Cedar his toys and sitting patiently with him. I felt like he was such a wise spirit, knowing Cedar was 6 months his junior and is just now learning how to interact with others. I kept looking around for his mother, who was watching him intently but everyone seemed to be watching them. I then saw this one woman, breastfeeding a newborn. She had such a kind face and laid back demeanor, I wondered if it was her. Somehow I just had a feeling. When she came closer to me, I leaned over and asked "Is the boy with curly blond hair yours?" She said "Yes!" but with a worried look on her face. I told her "He is just being so gentle and sweet with my 18 month old." She looked like she was about to cry and thanked me. I could tell she really needed to hear that. We then watched our children together for a while and she shared with me her own stories about parks and her first born and her emotions surrounding the dynamics.

An hour later, Boho Boy and I were gathering our things and walking out. He encouraged me to go get her phone number. I felt so totally nervous and shy but as I took four steps outside, I wondered if I would ever see her again...even though she had shared with me the parks she felt comfy at and I may go, I wondered. I suppose I couldn't miss this chance to allow my son to connect with another sweet spirit and for me too.

So, I went back in and clumsily approached her and shared that I'd love to meet her here again. She blushed and said "me too!" and we wrote numbers on postcards that were left at the shop by some artists. While she was writing her number down, I was chatting with her newborn boy in her arms. He started smiling huge and cooing and chatting back and forth with me. She seemed stunned and said to her friend "Oh my gosh, she's making him smile and talk!" My eyes got teary. I said "Maybe he's just pooping" and she assured me he wasn't and that he never does this with people. It was pretty dreamy and I think it created a safeness between us.

I know this was a gift. A gift for bravely putting it out to the Universe hard emotions surrounding the park. Emotions that could have easily been judged or not received in gentleness. But you all circled and it opened up a space for each of you to share in such a raw way and to learn from one another. I honor it all. Every person and child are different and need different things but with that, we were all able to be with one another's hearts. Even if we felt differently.

Perhaps Java Mama is my in between. A small, quiet, safe and groovy place to take my child, to get him acclimated to other children...with music freely playing, encouraging him to dance and twirl. They even have a little outside play area. Perhaps for a few months I can take him here and then if he makes a few friends, I can venture into the big world of Parks where older kids roam.

I learned so much about myself through this experience. I paid attention to the mirror that was in front of me where some old wounds from my childhood surfaced. I was able to close my eyes and sit with that little girl that was shy and perhaps a bit bullied on the playground or in school by louder more outgoing children. I gave her love and wrapped her up in courage and whispered in her ear all the wonderful things she would do with her life along side family and friends.

I also learned what I am and am not comfortable with and allowed to embrace that with gentleness rather than shame. I learned to let go of expectations and to breathe into the unfolding in front of us.

In a nutshell, I've lightened up a bit and next week, I will go to Java Mama rather than the park and see where that takes me. I had not an ounce of anxiety in that place. Quite the contrary...I was filled up and energized and inspired.

I am listening to my body, my soul and my mind and it tells me where to go.

park anxiety.

2010-05-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I wanted to talk about this in my previous post but I hesitated and ended up talking about Cedar being tall (hello, boring!). What I really wanted to spill is that I am having some serious Park anxiety but this is a tender subject and I am needing gentleness about it.

All of you helped me so much by sharing your very vulnerable and courageous stories about behavior and parenting during awkward moments involving other children and/or parents. So, I did feel validated, prepared and lifted up should that happen again...at the park or anywhere. My anxiety is not at all coming from that issue.

I can be a naturally shy person, so striking up a conversation with strangers takes a lot of energy but since the Park is sometimes my only social venue during the day, I am trying. What I notice is that mamas just don't respond or open up to my sharings and after the fourth try, I feel my heart sink. Many times I get odd looks or stares and I am wondering if it is my dreadlocks. ; ) Well, the park that we now go to is smack dab in the middle of upper middle class suburbia, so perhaps my violet red locks do stand out. But I think I am SO approachable!

Oh, this is all so new to me and I suppose I am fumbling with it. I am really wanting to marinate in my time with Cedar there and be present with the idea that it is okay if he is my only kindred spirit. Although, I did come home feeling deflated and discouraged and soooo craving a move to Bellingham. Like now.

I laid my head to sleep last night and sent those mothers love and compassion and wondered if they too were just shy and novices at this whole park dynamic. I have often heard of people joke about Park politics throughout my life but I ignored it. What ARE park politics? Enlighten me.

The fact that Cedar stopped what he was doing AGAIN yesterday and danced his heart out when the ice cream truck pulled up with music, created such a space of soul balm for me.

I don't at all have expectations to make friends at the park. I am circled by an amazing group of women in my life.

Tell me your stories. Was it awkward for you at first bringing your first toddler to the park? Does everyone feel this way or am I just a weird bean?

tall.

2010-05-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

cedar, 18 months

Cedar is very tall for his age. All the kids at the park approach him, assuming he can climb and jump and carry on conversations and when they find out he can't do it at their more grown up level, they look at me dumbfounded and run off.

Today he found another one just like him. A girl, his age, his height, being followed by her incredibly tall father. She chased after Cedar. They grunted together. They studied one another. The father and I giggled and shared about how its a challenge at the park, with a tall baby.

He boogied again today when the ice cream truck drove up to the park. I am trying to get it on video for you.

Two blog readers sent me an email today that they had a dream about Cedar last night. One of them told me he was a musician. Four other people have written me in the past with visions of Cedar as a musician when he is older. What was different about today's email is that she said he was tall, wearing skinny pants, a white tee and a green waistcoat, carrying a guitar. Nice. Love that.

I'm 5'2. This is going to be fun having my son tower over me when he is 12. ; )

{vlog coming soon to talk about the new Kind Diet i am on}.