kindred souls.

photo of cedar taken by me, photo of me, taken by thea coughlin

A lot of people (readers, friends, family, passers by) tell me that Cedar resembles me. Especially lately. Although, in the beginning, everyone said he resembled Boho Boy. So many that tell us this, let it cross their lips gently, concerned that it may feel awkward or inappropriate or insensitive or tender because he is adopted. I have always deeply appreciated when someone is so brave to ask a question or share some feelings about our adoption that perhaps many wonder or feel and are afraid to ask. I also appreciate deeply with all of that, the sensitivity that is offered us. Not only for us, but even more for Cedar's birthparents...K & T (who I know sometimes read this blog).

I am not sure how K & T would feel about people saying Cedar resembles us. Something tells me they would feel supportive and I say this because when we all spent those weeks together during her pre-term labor, we felt a kindredness, a likeness in many ways. K and I are both so tender and sensitive and soft spoken and affectionate. Boho Boy and T are quick witted and intelligent and share a love for the same books. Boho Boy took a photo of me and K's faces smooshed together with wide smiles and sparkly eyes and both K and I were in awe of how much we resembled one another. Even my family mentioned it and a few of my close friends that saw the photo. What's funny about this is our skin tone is completely different. K is very light complected with rosy cheeks and light blue eyes (with a gorgeous dark blue rim)and dark blond hair. I have olive skin and light brown eyes and brown hair. But our features are very similar and our spirits so very kindred. Sometimes Cedar makes a face that is spot on just like T and sometimes spot on Boho Boy. Although Boho Boy and T look nothing a like. Its so wild, really.

So, I suppose what this tells me is that Cedar has characteristics of all four of us. He is part of each of us and we are all part of him and it emulates from him in beautiful ways. This is something, when he grows older, that we will celebrate and share with him and it will perhaps offer comfort in small ways. Comfort in that he carries all of us with him.

Many people have reached out to me through my blog that have been adopted. So very gently and kindly to bring me comfort. They share with me the beautiful and the hard parts and some have shared what it felt like to be dark and grow up in a household of white faces or vice-versa. Of course, at the root of it all, each of them told me that it was never at the surface of things and it only posed as an awkward thing a few times and that most of the time people didn't notice any longer and all that mattered was that they felt loved and cherished and part of a family abundant with love. But there were also times when it was hard and left them feeling like something was missing that needed to be filled up.

I know there will be days when Cedar looks in the mirror and sees T's nose and K's eyes and it might bring up stuff for him. So, part of me feels comfort knowing that he will also see my soul and spirit and Boho Boy's humor and passion for music and both of our twinkle in his eyes.

Adoption is the most beautiful thing that has every happened to me. It is also full of so many questions and lessons and teachable moments of humility and letting go and trusting that Cedar will know I am his mother through and through and never doubt that he was so very meant to be our son.

In all honesty, every time someone says "he looks just like you...", it does tug at those heart strings. There is a conversation that goes on in my head that goes like this;

"is it okay that this felt good? would K be hurt by this? would she be overjoyed and would it be confirmation that her and i are soulfully connected? is it important to me that cedar resembles me? no...it isn't...but it does fill me up in a way and smooths over the wounded parts. can i not over think it and just be honored because i think he's a cutie patootie? are there right or wrong ways to feel when it comes to something so wild and crazy and beautiful as adoption??"

We are kindred souls and it is the soul that is what lingers when the skin that our soul is wrapped in shifts and alters. This is what I will always tell him on those days when he is feeling tender or confused about it all.

little drummer boy.

Like father, like son... ; )

...and here's a little video from later in the evening:



We wish each of you a playful weekend. Even though we aren't into American football or even watching the Superbowl, we are using it as an excuse to eat all of our guilty pleasure nummy nums tomorrow. A little carpet picnic of our own and you can be sure that I will be entertained by my boho boys.

Love & light to you.

{all of your responses to my previous post left me a weepy girl all week. so filled up and nourished by your support, understanding, courage and faith in me and my body...i thank you...we thank you}

moody waters.

tree buds at balboa park, canon 50d

I've been swimming in moody waters this past week. Some really mystical and alluring and goosebumpy...and some very languid and dark and mucky. My clear and confused thoughts and feelings ebbing and flowing...feeling pulled by the wolf moon that shined so brightly down on us. I have often been closely connected to the moon. My monthly cycle, when I am taking gentle care of my body and what I put into it, moves in sync with the moon's phases. When the moon was full, I sat out on our veranda and had to drink her in. She felt like an old, wise friend...a guide, so gentle and knowing. Everything felt so obvious for a moment, so clear under her magnetism. It made me realize how much more centered I am when I am open and connected to nature.

This has inspired a few heart soaked talks with my husband about what it is about nature that makes our hearts sing and our bodies stretch further and spirits feel at peace. We've been talking about how much we ache to leave this city and the many freeways and find our country. Root our home where there is forest and sea and miles of trails for Cedar to explore. Right now he only knows short trips to the park and busy beaches. I desire for him to lay on grass at night and count the stars and feel sheltered by tall trees. To nurture his imagination and dance with faeries and gnomes, which we always joke are "his people". We are feeling a pull to move on and because of this, I am finding it very difficult to stay present. There is a battle within to pray for and manifest and dream up such a place for us but also to stay ever grateful for where we are and what is surrounding us. I can be so hard on myself when I am in an impatient place. I feel impatient with my impatience.

And then there was the other night. I was exhausted and immobile and found myself curled up on the couch watching an episode of Private Practice while Cedar was taking his late afternoon nap. It just so happened on this episode there was a woman giving birth, naturally...drawing all her strength from within herself to work through the pain. When the baby surfaced, I found myself sobbing. Oh man, it brought up so much raw emotion for me. You know...some people have been brave enough to ask me where I am at with all of that since I adopted Cedar and for years wanted to be pregnant and give birth. Since Cedar was born, my answer was always that I feel such a healing has taken place. That I no longer have that desire to be pregnant in that it is the only way I can imagine finding my child. I learned otherwise, feeling so very connected, instantly...with Cedar, that there are other ways to build your family. So, my primal reaction to watching this woman give birth took me by surprise. So many old wounds were torn open and they stung so deep. It made me wonder if that wound would ever fully heal. It left me feeling tender. It has been almost a week since watching that show and I still feel freshly peeled and vulnerable with it all. It is not that I am currently desiring to be pregnant or even have another child. My thoughts are so full of other blessings and life transitions. Its just that ache of perhaps never knowing what it may be like to watch my belly swell and feel a baby dancing in my womb. That I may never know what it feels like to have to take deep breaths through contractions and hold my husband's hand and find that warrior woman within and push through the pain and feel a baby move through my uterus, into my arms, soaked in my flesh and blood. It is something I have to grieve when these deep aches get triggered. I need to allow these emotions to move through me without judgment or fear or impatience and nurture them with only gentleness and forgiveness.

But I have to tell you what happened once that episode was over. I heard Cedar crying, waking up from his nap and I couldn't wait to scoop him and hold him and when I did, he melted into me. Lately when he wakes up from his naps and drinks his bottle, he wants to play immediately. He is giggly and sprite and earnest. But this time he didn't even want his bottle. He wanted to lay on my chest and so I sat down with him in our huge cushy chair and we held one another for a while. He would look up at me with his sparkly eyes and then nuzzle back again into my neck. It was as if he knew I was aching and he wanted to remind me that even though he didn't grow in my womb, he has known me long before. He waited patiently until he was fully grown in my heart, before he came into our world. He reminded me that my long journey to him was like gestation and birth, constantly contracting and breathing and connecting to that warrior woman within, holding my husband's hand and never giving up until we found our child. This all came to my mind when holding him and it has been a constant comfort the days following.

I suppose I have never lived my life in a conventional way and with that, there can be pain and grief but oh the blessings on the other side. I honor all the ways we find our children and I honor all the ways we grieve the path that once was and is no longer.

Moody waters are so hard but they add poetry to my life.


my angel, miracle love, gnome baby

Treehouse 28 ~ GIVEaway winner!

cedar, 14 months, canon 50d

Congrats to #217 - Julie who said:
"the arm warmers are gorgeous, but the black top in the picture is knockout. Not sure if you would want to post to the UK, but if you do, definitely count me in, and now I'm off to search the Treehouse 28 site and see if they will deliver to the UK - M only asked me this morning what I wanted for my birthday, I think it was serendipity that I came here today..."

proof:


You have won a pair of delicious custom made Treehouse 28 arm warmers. Such serendipitous timing for your birthday!

Please email me at denise(at)bohophoto(dot)com for details.

{i promise i did not touch Cedar's eyes up in this photo. they are truly that sparkly in the sunlight...le sigh}.

Sponsor GIVEaway.

custom warmers from treehouse 28

Alix is such a divinely creative soul celebrating the uniqueness of custom hand made clothing. She is the designer of the infamous Treehouse 28 custom clothing line. Her designs are some of my most treasured pieces in our boho closet. It is so very special to know she is creating something that was made to fit my figure perfectly, sewn together with pure love and intention.

Her and I put our heads together to provide something unique and fun for this giveaway. We hope you are as thrilled about it as we are. Firstly, here is a little bit about the ethereal beauty that is Alix...


Alix Bill McCauley, designer of Treehouse 28 clothing

Bio:
Treehouse 28 clothing was born on Etsy a few years ago. The company now has a wholesale division, run by my husband and brother in law, that sells ready to wear items in stores all over the country!

Etsy is special to me, a place where I can interact personally with customers and expand my creativity. Everything I make is custom... unique to each customer's specifications. I design all of the pieces from scratch while incorporating my passion for uniqueness, beauty, simplicity and comfort. Every piece is hand made, from start to finish :)

Most importantly, I am the Mother of two amazing little people that are my world, my constant inspiration.

********************

Rules:

• Winner will receive one pair of Custom Warmers from her shop. You get to choose the colors!
• Leave one comment to enter (one word or many or just a smiley face)
• One comment per person, please
• Winner will be chosen at random
• Comments will be closed 10pm PST Wednesday, Feb 3rd
• Winner to be announced Thursday, Feb 4th

{thank you dear alix!}

time is up...comments closed!

energy shifts.

stephanie's window at her home, canon 50d

A dear sister soul reached out to me today, telling me that she notices a shift in my energy lately. The tone behind her words held concern. I have indeed been quieter than usual.

This is what I said...

"yes, i am going through some shifts in my energy but it is all good things. good, pure and whole things. opening up to what truly truly serves me and what i have hoped would serve me but doesn't and what i know has always never served me but let stick around." ; )

I took a deep breath when finishing that email and realized how much clarity those words carried in my being.

So this is where my heart is right now.

a way you can help.

myriam & the moon, photo by andrea scher

I do not know Myriam deeply but a few of my friends walk by her side. Myriam and I have exchanged a few poetic emails and when Cedar was born, she sent him a most precious shirt which ended up suiting his spirit so. Therefor, I feel connected enough to feel perfectly comfortable traveling with her in her pocket as she ventures off to do something radically amazing in Haiti. But since I am unable to do that, one way I can be with her in spirit is to support her during this journey.

A few friends of mine, received this letter from Myriam following the earthquake:

"Hello Loves,

I have been trying to write this email to you most of this day. I don't know what to write about this devastation happening to our sisters and brothers on that tiny island. I do have family in Haiti, aunts, uncles etc. As of yet, we are not able to make contact...."

Shortly after that they received another letter....

"As of today:

My uncle Victor and Tante Mado both separately support two schools in Haiti, both have been demolished, many dead.. My uncle is housing as many children from the school as he can, all are disconnected from their own families. The shortage of water and food is chaotic and the trauma experienced is only just beginning to be understood.

My Tante Mado has 52 school girls without homes, living at the remains of their school. Another aunt, continues to wait for communication with her sister whom she was on the phone with when the quake started. It's very confusing what the best help is right now as it seems nothing is enough. Communication is so difficult, we are getting reports of deaths without any real confirmations. It is possibly the worst freakin game of grapevine every played. My heart just aches and aches, while my head spins with thoughts of how to empower myself and use all of my resources.

In speaking with family, funding is the most vital. Some are thinking beyond the disaster recovery to rebuilding homes, schools and churches......"

With our help, Myriam will be going to Haiti in March to bring joy and hope back to her community. You can read more about her deep connection to Haiti, her plans and how to donate here.

This is one way we can help and keep up with her progress and lift up and pray for her enormous generous heart.

Myriam...you move mountains.

nourishment.

tree blossoms at squam, canon 50d

What nourishes you?

disconnected.

where i sit, taken with phone

I am sitting here at a coffee shop down the street from our home. This is the first time I have been on the Internet in three full days. At home our Internet/Cable/Phone is all interconnected. If one is down, all is down and that is how it has been at our home the last three days. I have been completely disconnected and it has felt very odd. It has actually brought some feelings to surface about my priorities and how much energy I devote to a virtual world.

I came home from Cedar's doc appointment a few minutes ago and as I walked through the door with him on my hip, Boho Boy greets us with these precious words: "Honey, why don't you go to a coffee shop for a few hours?". I am not sure why that thought hadn't occurred to me. That I could connect here with a steaming cup of joe. In fact, a few weeks ago, we even talked about me doing this at least three nights a week to work on my e-course. Time has just slipped by and life just feels selfless these days. So, I am sitting here selfishly and loving every minute of it. Thank you, Boho Boy, for reminding me what I need.

So, what you see in this poorly processed photo above taken with my phone, is exactly where I sit. You might see some splashes of baby food near the keys. Nice. I decided not to Photoshop those out. This is my life.

In fact, I went to Cedar's doctor today and afterwards realized I had his avocado bits in some of my dreads. Nice again. I took him to the doc because he's been tugging on both ears...and at times slapping them. It has seemed a bit aggressive compared to his usual soft rubbing he does on his lobes. Something he has done to sooth himself to sleep since birth. I had a feeling he was tugging hard because of teething, but I wanted to be sure we weren't missing an ear infection. I know some babies have them without getting a fever, although that is rare. Anyways, while Cedar charmed his gorgeous blond beauty of a doc, we discovered he just had a bit of fluid in his ears. All from teething and completely normal. So, he will be sleeping a bit elevated for a few days.

Ahhhh...Rosie Thomas is singing throughout the cafe. Oh how her melodies bring back such sweet memories of when I first started blogging.

I have no idea when our Internet will start working. Something about a gigantic outage in our area. Part of me likes it this way. The first day I found myself sitting on the couch when Cedar was napping and wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself since the house was clean and laundry was done. It made me realize that entering into the virtual world is a bit of an addiction. I know many of you are rolling your eyes and telling me "of course it is!" as you too inhale a big puff of these words on my blog. ; ) We are all hopelessly addicted. Or perhaps there are some out there that could completely do without but not most of the lovelies in my world. This is how we all stay connected: Blogs, Emails, Comments, Skype, etc.

I tried to imagine trying on another life for a while. What if we moved to the country, not too far from a cafe with wireless. What if rather than blogging and emailing that I spent those spare hours of my day gardening (both veggies and flowers) and sewing cute organic clothes and taking a belly dance class and writing my book and actually opening myself up to meet up with friends that live near me? What if I spent those spare hours talking on the phone with my far away family and friends. A phone date per day? Just so many things I could be putting my energy towards. It would definitely be a life of looking within for inspiration rather than looking at so many others and gathering inspiration from them.

That is when that still small gentle voice whispers..."but there are so many blessings." And there are. I have met some of my most kindred spirits in this virtual world. Even though I don't know what the inside of their house looks like, through their words, I quickly learned the inside of their hearts. There is something about blog relationships that feel quicker and more intensely deep because what we do in these spaces is spill without boundaries that we tend to carry around in the real world. It also offers me a space to discover and exercise my voice. A space to share my story so that others can gather nuggets of wisdom and to not feel alone. And as I shared earlier, it is dripping with inspiration.

So as this blog post comes to an end, I realize I do not have the answers yet. In fact, as I am disconnected at home from the Internet and media, I feel even more confused about any resolution on what serves me most: Being disconnected or connected.

I wonder if many of you feel the same...

a kiss for all of you.

me right now, taken with phone.

Here is a kiss for all of you. It is me, snuggling up in the blanket my sis made for Cedar. This is me post long luxurious bath. I never find the time to take baths any more. Well, that's not true...I do take one with Cedar but that's different. That's not luxurious. That is full of splashing and playing with bath toy friends and feeling nervous he will slip under the water, so I am holding him tight the whole time (part of our shower door is stuck, so I can't kneel on the floor to wash him, I have to get right in). Luxurious to me means baby is napping. Husband is upstairs working and I have nowhere else to be. It means face scrubs and masks and closing my eyes and dreaming until my skin gets pruned. It means getting out and putting lotion on every orifice of my body. It means coming out to baby still napping and I get to rock in this chair and stare out the window and do more daydreaming. I rarely get this time. So you better believe I am marinating in it. Also wanted to share it with you.

I know I have been quiet the last few days. Like I said, I love storms and give me some thunder and lightening and I am a giddy little girl. We don't get storms in these parts, so its been a treat for me. Storms give you the perfect excuse to light a fire, drink hot chocolate, read books, snuggle on the couch and cancel all of your plans. More storms, please.

Haiti has been in my heart. I watched the fundraiser show for them last night. Pretty amazed at how fast some of these Hollywood peeps have written songs in a matter of days. Some were extremely moving. I am not completely into Beyonce but hers moved me. Especially with the image of a halo over Haiti. I smiled when they let us listen in on some of the donation lines, when someone would chat with a celebrity. "Oh hey Steven Spielberg, what up?" I loved it even more that the topics remained focused on Haiti...and the Haitian families and children and all that is needed over there. I am hoping the topics didn't veer off..."Oh, i loved you in that film..."...or..."I think you're really hot." You know? But if I did call and McSteamy answered the phone, it might be hard to not to sound like an idiot. ; ) If this happened before Cedar, I would definitely want to go out there. I know true skills are needed but besides photography (which might feel weird), I could be that person that comforts, that holds hands and strokes backs and listens and cries with them and helps wash their infants and braids their hair and puts their children to bed with a story of hope. Would those be considered skills? That is where my heart is and that is where I want to be other than snuggling close with my husband and son.

I also wanted to answer a few questions that were asked of me recently by quite a few of you. I am not sure if you go back to read the answers in my comments, so thought I'd do it here:

Question: "Will Cedar meet his bio sibling(s)?"
Answer: We are hoping so. They are with a beautiful family and we do have a connection to them via our adoption consultant/dear friend Tammy, although we are not in touch yet. I often dream of Cedar having close relationships with them in the future, throughout his life. There are a myriad of emotions surrounding this, with all involved, so it will take time and gentleness and comfort and openness and understanding and respect. I am praying, hoping we will all connect when the time feels right. Now that I have shared this with you, I may delve more into those emotions I am speaking of.

Question: "What do you use on your skin?"
Answer: Origins! All of their products are natural and paraben free and after a few years of trying to find the right fit...these products suit me perfectly. I made an appointment with one of their people at an Origins store nearby and they helped me find the products that were perfect for my skin. I use cleanser, toner, day and night moisturizers, face scrub, eye cream and a mask.

Question: "Where do you get your drawstring pants?"
Answer: Sweetgrass. I heart all of their hemp/bamboo pants (Vagabond & Artesian & Bamboo Cropped are my fave) and their long drawstring skirt. I wait for sales. Also, for a Christmas gift, my marmie bought me the Omgirl Nomad Pant and I looooove them. I also really dig Treehouse28's wide leg pant.

Question: "How do you get that vintage/ethereal look to your photos?"
Answer: I tend to photograph my subjects with light behind them. I always use natural light...morning is my fave. I play and play and play with layers in Photoshop. I do sometimes use the ever so special Jesh de Rox's "Enlighten" actions and also a bit of Lily Blue's actions. Then I play with the opacity in each layer to give it my personal style. I also sometimes bump up my ISO to give it a grainy/blurry look and over expose via the light meter for a washed out look. Other than that...I am not at all techie enough to tell you what else to do. ; )

Speaking of Treehouse28...we are doing a sponsor giveaway in a few days. So...keep looking!

{yes, i am wearing the same shirt in the last few photos. my sister told me that this color blue brightens my face. so what do i do? wear it every day. hee. this is my only shirt this color. everything else is so muted. perhaps i should wear brighter things...}